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1. God Ginrai (1988, reissued in 2002): Known as Powermaster Optimus Prime in the United States and Europe, in Japan, this toy was released as Prime’s imitator, the often-drunk and abusive Ginrai (oh, those wacky Japanese) in the Masterforce series. Ginrai was different than the release we had here in the U.S. in several small ways I won’t go into, and had Godbomber, a second trailer that changed into a drone robot or combined with his super mode to form an even bigger uber-powered-up form. Flash forward to a few years ago, when they reissued God Ginrai (as the larger mode is known). I always wanted Powermaster Prime as a kid, so I jumped at the chance to own the Japanese edition. Of course, they later ended up importing the reissue in the U.S. as Prime, complete with the second trailer. At least I have the nifty-looking Japanese box…
2. Cybertron Optimus Prime 2005): I really do like this guy, the biggest incarnation of Prime from the Cybertron series, mainly because he’s a
very cool-looking hybrid of elements from God Ginrai, Star Convoy, and Fire Convoy. However, his bigass cannons and even biggerass wings make him a pain to display because his footprint on the shelf is so huge. The cannons and wings are tucked behind the guys beside him.
3. Universe Optimus Prime (Spychanger) (2005): This one has an interesting history, because this toy wasn’t actually designed to be Optimus Prime, and
yet it was based on another Optimus Prime toy. See, when Hasbro imported Takara’s Car Robots line (known as Robots in Disguise over here) in 2001, in addition to recoloring a bunch of older stuff, they decided to produce a handful of new molds. These new molds were all Spychangers, little guys with vehicle modes the size of Hot Wheels cars, complete with free-rolling axles. One of the four new Spychangers was of Scourge, who was a recolor of Generation 2‘s Laser Optimus Prime(who I’m going to talk about later). Spychanger Scourge followed the same design as the larger toy, but at a much smaller size. Then, a year or two later, Hasbro recolored the Spychanger as Prime himself. Weird, neh?
4. 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime (2004): The “ultimateâ€? Optimus Prime, this was released in 2004 as a celebration of 20 years of Transformers. If you haven’t seen this by now, you must have been living under a rock. It’s big, it’s poseable, and it’s got die-cast to please the whiny fanboys who think everything should be just like 1984 allover again. Oh, and he has a light-up Matrix in his chest. Hasbro re-released this toy in brighter, cheesier colors for their Classics line last year.
5. World’s Smallest Optimus Prime (2004): Just as the name implies, this is a very scaled-down version of the original Prime toy. Takara put out a couple of waves of these blind-packed micro-figures, although several of the later figures are hard to find. In particular, this is the “anime colorsâ€? version from the second series. I find that he looks nice standing on the shoulder of the large anniversary edition.
6. Armada Optimus Prime (Super) (2002): Big and saddled with a gimmick that not only eats your wallet but destroys most of his articulation, Armada Prime has a bad reputation with collectors and fanboys. That said, it’s not an awful toy, but it has its limitations and is a brick from the waist down. The gimmick is actually kind of clever. The trailer is motorized and has an infrared receiver. The cab, in turn, has an IR transmitter in it. When you transform the cab into its small robot mode, it sends a signal that makes the trailer unfold into its base mode (which is one of the better Prime trailer-bases, ranking up there with the original version’s). When you transform the smaller robot into its section of Prime’s super mode, it sends another signal telling the trailer to transform itself into the super mode’s legs. This combination scheme has led to many fans giving this the undignified name of “Super Pants Primeâ€?.
7. Fire Convoy (2000): Known as Optimus Prime when Hasbro brought it to the U.S. under the Robots in Disguise line, this is the original Japanese release. Why is it significant that it’s the Japanese version? Well, in the first place, the voice chip yells in Japanese instead of English. A toy that yells in Japanese instead of our stupid inferior gaijin tongue is immediately superior to one that doesn’t. Secondly, Fire Convoy’s plastic is sparkly and metallic, where Prime’s is dull. Third, Prime has huge (and tacky) Autobot insignia on his vehicle mode’s sides. And hey, I had this for a year before we knew it was going to be imported.
8. Beast Wars Optimus Primal (Gorilla) (1995): The most famous version of Primal as an ape, and the source of the horrible “TRUKK NOT MUNKYâ€? meme. By the by, Primal isn’t the same guy as Optimus Prime; think of him as a sort of descendant or something. Anyway, it’s a big ape with enough weapons that he should have been named Optimus Postal instead.
9. Movie Optimus Prime (2007): In general I’m not a big fan of the 2007 movie’s design stylings, at least not as toys. While the “greebly nanotech skeleton covered with strips of dismembered vehicleâ€? look works on the screen, it doesn’t translate well to three-dimensional objects. The largest version of Prime, however, is an exception, mainly because it doesn’t go completely into the movie’s design turf, and ends up being an interesting hybrid of it and traditional blocky mecha styles.
10. Energon Optimus Prime (2004): Called “Fatimusâ€? by some fans and “Megazord Primeâ€? by others, Energon Prime is something of an oddity. The usual Optimus Prime theme is that his trailer half becomes a base, then combines with the cab-robot to form his super mode. Energon Prime is unique in that the trailer’s “baseâ€? form is a garage for four drone vehicles that form the limbs of the super mode. It actually looks more like something out of one of Takara’s Brave/Yuusha series (but then, the Energon line in general had something of a Brave-y feel). You can barely see him here, which is probably a good thing.
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
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