Real-Time Review- DOA: Dead or Alive

The Busboy

DISCLAIMER: EVENTS DEPICTED BEFORE THE DAWN OF TIME ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND MAY ONLY BE 99.99% HISTORICALLY ACCURATE

The Dawn of Time:

God, Ronald Reagan, and Tomonobu Itagaki were sitting around watching Chuck Norris invent his Mega-Super Kung Fu Ninjitsu, when Itagaki turned to God and said, “Hey, this is cool and all, but can’t you turn Chuck into a chick or something? Chicks doing martial arts would be totally hot!” God, of course, refused, for turning Chuck Norris into a hot chick would upset the balance of the universe, as it was not designed to contain that level of hot awesomeness. So, Itagaki decided to leave the Council of the Almighty and descend to Earth to fulfill his dream of hot chicks performing Mega-Super Kung Fu Ninjitsu.

1997:

Itagaki, after thousands of years, creates the greatest video game series ever conceived- Dead or Alive

2007

In an odd instance of art imitating life, a series of events happen leading to the release of a Dead or Alive live-action movie. Somewhere in Hollywood, film producer Bernd Eichinger and director Cory Yuen were talking one day, when Bernd said that there would never be a good movie based on a video game. In his hubris, Cory proclaimed, “I can turn any video game into a cinematic masterpiece, BELIEVE IT!!! Thus, Cory Yuen was granted two weeks to create a movie based on, of course, Dead or Alive.

Elsewhere in the country, the owner of a major chain of movie theaters realized that he could make far more money by showing bad movies than good ones. Thus, he swore an oath to find the worst movie ever created

Meanwhile, Audrey Hepburn and Uma Thurman began to Kung Fu fight.

Christmas, 2007:

I receive the Dead or Alive movie as a gag gift. The Dead or Alive I know is about skill and timing … and hot chicks fighting.

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Comments

reaperman

February 17, 2008 08:14 PM

I call it hawtsomeness. Okay, I stole that from David Willis.

The Chef

Ow.

February 17, 2008 08:22 PM

Just reading this review made my head hurt. This may possibly be worse than the live-action Street Fighter movie.

The Maitre d'

It was.

February 17, 2008 08:25 PM

It's a terrible movie. Honestly, it was entertaining, though, because it knows it's a bad action movie based on a fighting game whose main draw is unrealistic, scantily-clad women.

The Chef

Yeah...

February 17, 2008 08:45 PM

If unrealistic, scantily-clad women are a big draw, I have a suggestion for the next one of these: Cleopatra 2525, a show so awful that even the Amazon goddess Gina Torres herself can't redeem it.

The Busboy

Trust me on this one ...

February 17, 2008 08:50 PM

There's no possible way this movie is in any way worse than the Street Fighter movie. This movie is bad, of that there can be no doubt, but at least it made an attempt to be true to the video games. A failed attempt, but an attempt, nevertheless. Also, the Street Fighter movie killed Raul Julia, a not-so-awesome fact.

The Maitre d'

A couple of notes

February 17, 2008 08:51 PM

Quite frankly, Helena is one of those characters I never pay attention to, but it irks me that she's rewritten from being an opera singer to your standard 20-something woman. It's like the writer said, "hmm, there's no way I can fit this sophisticated character into this plot, so... let's just remove the sophistication from her."

Incidentally, Bass handled the incident more gracefully than any of you would have.

I still say Fame should have spent more resources in making the sunglasses transfer a faster and more stable system, rather than adding in the fancy light show and special effects for the skill-sucking machine.

reaperman

Yep.

February 17, 2008 10:49 PM

AWESOME FACT!

The second Mortal Kombat movie was officially declared a war crime by the U.N. in 1999. Sadly, by that point it had already claimed 200,000 lives in Southeast Asia.

The Maitre d'

AWESOME FACT!

February 18, 2008 02:16 AM

Video game movies were banned during an emergency session of Congress in 2017. Five video game movies were released in the span of three months, all inevitably terrible. In addition, one live-action adaption of a cartoon from the 1980's and the 8th live-action Transformers movie were released around this time. The resulting geek riots shut the country down for almost two weeks.

Never forget.

The Maitre d'

AWESOME FACT!

February 18, 2008 02:21 AM

During the geek riots of 2017, a small faction of otaku managed to take over the Florida state government for two days. For the span of 36 hours, ending a sentence with anything other than "BELIEVE IT!" was punishable by jail time in that state.

The Chef

As was...

February 18, 2008 08:11 AM

As was watching anime dubbed into unnatural languages like English.

reaperman

February 18, 2008 10:02 AM

Ah, the Great Nerdgasm of 2017. Heady times, those were.

AWESOME FACT!

I became Dade County representative to the Florida state legislature during that time. I drafted legislation that would ban Sakura forever. It would have also created a giant robot militia to protect Florida from aliens and Georgia.

The Maitre d'

AWESOME FACT!

February 18, 2008 10:29 AM

I drafted legislation that would ban Sakura forever.

Unfortunately, it failed. At life.

How unexpected and yet ironic.

The Maitre d'

AWESOME PARADOX!

February 18, 2008 10:30 AM

If American voice actors dubbing anime into English makes them heretics, what happens to Japanese voice actors (who actually dub anime in its proper language) also do the dubs for American cartoons that Japan imports?

The Maitre d'

AWESOME QUESTION!

February 18, 2008 10:32 AM

It would have also created a giant robot militia to protect Florida from aliens and Georgia.

The question is, did their uniforms have ascots?

The Maitre d'

AWESOME PUN!

February 18, 2008 10:33 AM

I became Dade County representative to the Florida state legislature during that time.

It's well known that Charlie received this position by hanging Chad.

... what, too soon?

The Maitre d'

Lifebar technology

February 18, 2008 11:39 AM

This way, the people behind the tournament can see how they're doing with their innovative life-bar technology. Why don’t we have this technology already? Why, I ask!?

I see you've never been in an ICU before.

reaperman

February 18, 2008 12:23 PM

BAZING!


AWESOME ANSWER!

No ascots, but they did have aviator goggles and vests fitted with pocket watches.

The Maitre d'

INCOMPLETE!

February 18, 2008 12:39 PM

Aviator goggles and vests fitted with pocket watches are nice, but they're nothing if the uniforms didn't include long scarves to flap in the wind.

reaperman

February 18, 2008 12:58 PM

Would that we could go back to those times. I would amend my legislation.

The Maitre d'

Going back to those times

February 18, 2008 02:33 PM

You were creating a giant robot militia, but you didn't dedicate any technical resources to R&D on things like time travel?

I see you have not learned the art of managing superscientists. Perhaps you should get your Evil MBA before taking on such a task again.

reaperman

February 18, 2008 03:42 PM

I was being realistic. Giant robot militias require more than just superscientists. There are engineers, construction crews, buildings, materials, and a lot of money. I felt that dividing resources would simply mean that I would end up with two incomplete plans. Woe to the politician that enacts more things at once than those he's responsible to can reasonably complete.

The Maitre d'

Oh most certainly.

February 18, 2008 03:46 PM

In that case, you might want to lobby the people above you for more resources. If R&D is underfunded, you're not going to get very far with taking over the world. Similarly, if you put all your eggs in one basket, you're making a serious strategic mistake. What happens if your enemy is developing a weapon that makes them strong against giant robots?

The Chef

Forget the mad scientists...

February 18, 2008 04:52 PM

Forget the mad scientists. My plans for world domination require the services of mad engineers. A mad scientist may build a single doomsday weapon, but a mad engineer will make it portable, reliable, and mass-produce it so that every soldier in my army can have one.

The Maitre d'

You, sir, are a genius.

February 18, 2008 05:11 PM

This is the perfect balance between the strategic and the tactical. Have you considered a career in supervillainy?

The Chef

Indeed

February 18, 2008 06:03 PM

Supervillainy isn't merely a career. It's a way of life.

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