34 Optimus Primes
I started this article three days ago, but due to various things coming up (and getting distracted by porn and booze), I didn't get pictures taken for it. Well, and the camera broke. But mostly it was porn and booze. Then, once I got pictures taken, I went on a trip to Wal-Mart to get materials for an upcoming article, and ended up buying a few more Prime PVCs for the shelf. Then I had to rearrange everything to make room for the new ones, then I got distracted again by more porn and more booze. At least the camera didn't break down again. Despite the hardships, here it is.
One of the good things about this series is that since I have to have something to fill this space on each given day, I can sometimes indulge in truly geeky things without my audience (all three of you) saying more than, “Hey, the Chef must really be desperate to find something to write about today.” Today is one of those days, as I indulge my own self and can just tell you the reader to go bump off if you think it’s weird.
Anyway, as a shameless whore for all things Transformer-y, I have a collection of the blasted things that would cause Chris Latta to turn over in his grave (765 at last count, not including duplicates of the same figure - this puts me somewhere in the middle of the road as far as collectors go). I'm not normally a huge worshiper of the giant robot Jesus, Optimus Prime in all his forms (I'm more of a Hot Rod fan - go ahead and snicker at the dirty joke that undoubtedly popped into your head right now.), but I had an empty shelf I didn't know what to do with, so I decided to set up something to impress people.
What I've amassed here is a collection of thirty-four Optimus Primes and his various descendants and imitators. Truth be told, this isn't actually that many compared to some of the various Prime shrines I've seen online, and compared to some fans my collection is downright tiny. The hardcore collectors will laugh at how pathetic I am, while the normal people will do the same for a different reason.
To go further into the truth, I'll even admit that there are a half-dozen versions of Optimus Primal (including the Transmetal ones) I have that didn't get put out here. The first reason is because they just plain won't fit on the shelf. As it is, a couple of the smallest Primes have to stand on their bigger brethren's shoulders. The second reason is that for a few years through Beast Wars and Beast Machines, Hasbro decided to abandon the traditional red-and-blue color scheme on Optimus Primal in favor of several variations of orange and blue. The Beast Machines incarnation of the character even ditched the usual Prime crest-and-antenna helmet in favor of a sort of a shaved-head African warrior look (don't ask). So help me, they just don't fit in design or color-wise, even though most of them are pretty nice toys in their own right. At any rate, there are still four versions of Primal left on this shelf, plus his Japanese Beast Wars counterparts. That's plenty of him to go along with the passel of Optimus Primes from various points in time. This shelf has more blue helmets, chest windows, and rigid grill structures than you can shake a stick at.
It's also worth noting that I don't actually own the original Optimus Prime toy. This is surprising considering that between the U.S. and Japan, it's been reissued nearly a dozen times. I've just never bothered to get any of them. I do own the reissue of the original Ultra Magnus, which has the same cab-robot as Prime (except in white, obviously), though.
Come, browse this overstuffed shelf with me as I amaze you with my geekery.
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The Chef
Now With Even More Optimus Prime!
The shelf has recently expanded with the addition of two new Primes and two more Primals (up on the upper left of the
picture) dug out of the boxes - what with having to expand things to the top of the case, I had room to add them. They don't really fit in color-wise (which is why the other four aren't up there, too), but I suppose it's okay. At least it's not the huge (and orange) Optimal Optimus up there. The two new-but-not-really-new guys are:
Beast Wars Transmetal Optimus Primal: Well, he has the standard Optimus helmet, but thanks to the Transmetal "inside out" design stylings, he's also got an ape's mug and a bulging Arnoldesque chest. Overall, it's a very cool toy, even discounting the fact that his hoverboard mode is doofy and his gun looks like Darkwing Duck should be carrying it around. At least on mine, the blue chrome has held up fairly well, considering this toy is getting close to ten years old.
Beast Machines Optimus Primal (Deluxe: On the surface, the blue and black color scheme isn't too un-Optimusy, but I'm not very fond of the toy. Nothing really locks into place in either ape or robot mode. His gimmick is that if you pull his arm back and place his energy shuriken thing in his hand, he's supposed to throw it. It never works right. To make things worse, in gorilla mode, the shuriken stores in his shoulder and makes him look like someone set him on fire.
The two new guys are:
First Strike Optimus Prime: The new guy in the center. This is actually a repaint of the movie midsized Prime, in a sort of G1 Prime color scheme. I passed on the original version because I already have about six movie Primes with the flame job. It's a pretty good toy, even if it has a big backpack in robot mode and the truck mode's sleeper section is completely wrong.
Cyber Slammer Optimus Prime: Up on top, beside World's Smallest Prime. His silver truck grill seems to catch the light and cause all kinds of glare no matter what I do. Cyber Slammers are one of the movie line's tie-ins for little kids. Specifically, these are chibi little versions of movie characters with a sort of "pop and go" action...you push down on the robot torso, compacting it into car mode. Then it zooms off, automatically popping up into a robot on wheels. For the old-time fans, these are very much the descendants of the Throttlebots or Battlechargers.
The Chef
Now With Angry Drunks, Too!
I finally got around to buying a frame for my Neil Kaplan autograph, and added it to the shrine. Some of the fellow TVGA denizens (I'm not sure if it was John, Jen, or Dylan, but it's kind of thing that would be Jen's idea) got it for me at MTAC 2007, since I was stranded in the wilds of central Virginia and couldn't make it. The autograph reads, "So, too busy to meet Optimus Prime?", which is moderately amusing, considering I was indeed too busy teaching high school yard apes the finer points of literature.
For those who don't know, Neil Kaplan was the voice of Optimus Prime in Robots in Disguise, the American dub of Car Robots. While Mr. Kaplan did a good job with it, it was the only year he played the character and in fact the only time in the past 24 years that anyone other than Peter Cullen or Garry Chalk did the voice of Optimus. He jokingly refers to himself as "the George Lazenby of Optimus Primes". And he doesn't like being called an angry drunk, apparently.
The Chef
So you folks had better get cracking.
The Maitre d'
The first one's free
The Chef
If the first is free, so are the others.
The Maitre d'
Screw that.
The Chef
None taken.
Your next post will be "you don't control my brain". This is because I put that thought into your head just now.