Great Moments in Television History II

The Sommelier

Ah, I am so sorry, but we just sold our last bottle to another couple who lacked taste buds. Please allow me to choose for you instead a wonderful look at the future of reality television. The flavor is bold and spicy, reminiscent of Pace Picante and the leavings of the Syrian kumquat bat.

With the recent writers’ strike (assuming it’s still going on as you read this), reality television has experienced something of Renaissance. It requires almost nothing in the way of actors, sets, or writers. Or maybe it requires a lot of writers, but they’re all really bad at their jobs. In any event, your humble sommelier would like to give you a sampling of three reality shows that will surely make up your next Fall lineup. And as with all reality television, these shows are high in flavor and low in entertainment value.

The first show is a dating show about a house full of beautiful women vying for the attentions of a potato who is also a millionaire. They go on dates, participate in challenges, act catty (essentially everything that women evolved to do). At the end of each episode, there’s a ceremony where the potato asks one woman to leave the house (using a catchy line like, “I’m sorry, Tatiana, but I no longer have eyes for you.”) And to ratchet up the drama, we borrow a page from The Joe Schmo Show. The truth will be that the whole show is a farce and everyone is in on it…except for the potato. He’s not even a millionaire, but he has no idea. We’ll call the show Tuber? I hardly know her or Flavor of Spud. Or we could steal a gag from Rocky and Bullwinkle and call it both.

Now, if you don’t like that show, you’ll love this one. This show will take a bohemian, polyamorous couple from New York City and transplant them to a run down, one room cabin in rural Kentucky. On top of that, they’re given a backwoods orphan baby to take care of. Most of the tension will revolve around the baby trying not to get traumatized by seeing his foster parents having orgies in the same room. It’s essentially all about culture shock and different types of people trying to get along. Also, it’s about ruining all the future relationships and emotional well being of one person. The show’s title will be Love Shack Baby.

Okay, perhaps that one is an acquired taste, but this last one has something for everyone to love…except grandma because she’s cold and emotionally distant. Anyway, the show takes place in a dance club and revolves around a group of contestants competing for a spot as one of Liza Minnelli’s backup dancers. What makes it different from all the other dancing shows is that in every episode some horrible thing will happen at the dance club and everyone will have to run to a safe room in the club. The disaster will be different every time; terrorist attack one week, flood another, robbery the next, and so forth. Once the event begins, the contestants will only have one minute to make it to the protected room. At the end of the minute, the doors close and every contestant outside the room is killed. The contestants inside the room will watch the horror on monitors inside the room. We’ll call it Panic Room at the Disco.

Of course, all of these shows are wonderful in their own right. They all conform to established reality television formulas, but really take those ideas outside the box and beat them with a rubber mallet. I think these three could be combined into a perfect Friday night lineup.

See more articles from: The Wine List

Comments

The Chef

Tubers and Love

February 9, 2008 09:40 PM

I'd bet we can get the Maitre d' to star in that tuber-based reality show. After all, his head is shaped like an uncommonly large potato, and he can pretend to be a millionaire.

The Maitre d'

Re: Tubers and Love

February 10, 2008 01:50 AM

Pretend?

The Chef

Assuming...

February 11, 2008 12:32 PM

"Pretend" assuming you're not one already. I see you didn't deny that your head looks like an uncommonly large potato.

reaperman

February 11, 2008 01:41 PM

But he has given us reason to believe he's the Porn Baron.

The Chef

Indeed he is...

February 11, 2008 02:06 PM

Indeed he is, but being a Porn Baron doesn't necessarily make him a millionaire, even if he does have an enormous potato-shaped noggin.

reaperman

February 11, 2008 09:15 PM

I don't know. Being a porn baron means having a porn barony. Gotta be money in that.

The Maitre d'

Well

February 11, 2008 09:44 PM

I'm not a millionaire and I don't have a potato-shaped head.

The Chef

But...

February 11, 2008 10:35 PM

Yet you didn't deny the other part.

reaperman

February 12, 2008 02:39 PM

Indeed.

The Maitre d'

No.

February 13, 2008 01:18 AM

I do not have any association with porn at all, neither the making nor the selling nor the distributing nor the watching.

Also, we already have a place to discuss my allegedly potato-shaped head.

The Chef

You know what they say...

February 13, 2008 07:18 AM

If you have to deny it, it's probably true.

The Maitre d'

No.

February 13, 2008 08:04 AM

That's not what they say. That's what you say when you want to harass me with circular logic.

The Chef

Or so you claim.

February 13, 2008 09:22 AM

Aye, that's what you claim. But how can we trust what a Porn Baron says?

reaperman

February 13, 2008 02:28 PM

I would trust his word on porn...but that's it.

The Chef

True.

February 13, 2008 04:03 PM

I suppose that is one subject he is an expert on.

reaperman

February 13, 2008 05:22 PM

Agreed.

The Chef

And once again...

February 13, 2008 09:10 PM

Once again, you should note that he is not denying his rank of Porn Baron.

reaperman

February 14, 2008 04:54 PM

That's because denying the truth would be immoral. And the Maiter (as I'm now calling the the Maitre d'), is nothing if not moral...except about porn. He likes the porn.

Especially the kind with tentacles.

That's what I heard.

From him.

As he watched tentacle porn.

The Chef

Indeed.

February 14, 2008 05:34 PM

Indeed. It is his favorite.

The Maitre d'

Lies!

February 15, 2008 12:04 AM

All lies! You heard nothing from me! I don't like porn or tentacles!

Also, the "Maiter?" Like the redneck word for tomato? Or a failed spelling of the Latin word for mother? What? I don't get it.

The Chef

Well, again...

February 15, 2008 08:42 AM

You know what they say. If you have to deny it, it's probably true. Of course, if you don't deny it, it's also probably true. So it's probably true no matter what you say.

reaperman

Re: Lies!

February 15, 2008 10:01 PM

A little bit of both. Originally a corruption of the redneck term for tomato, which is actually mater. However, that spelling is the correct spelling for the Latin word for mother, so it just wouldn't do.

The Maitre d'

OK...

March 6, 2008 09:26 PM

I'm not really sure there is anywhere else to put this besides one of the comments in this section, but The Chef's logo for The Wine List is excellent.

The Chef

It will improve.

March 6, 2008 09:27 PM

I'm working on an improved version. The outlines of the glass need to be fuzzed up a little more.

The Maitre d'

Antialiasing

March 6, 2008 09:35 PM

It's your friend!

... your only friend.

// I keed, I keed

The Chef

Already using it.

March 6, 2008 09:40 PM

I was already using it. It's just that it needed a little more in the areas around the top. And there it is.

And I have no friends. None at all. I am alone in the world except for my guns.

My guns are family.

The Maitre d'

Guns are family?

March 6, 2008 09:44 PM

Guns as in "these are my tickets to the gun show *flexes muscles*?"

Or guns as in "if they threaten my family I'll kill them, and if I take one of them out, I'll take all of them out?"

The Chef

Never mind.

March 7, 2008 08:37 AM

Never mind. You missed the joke.

The Chef

And...

March 7, 2008 10:15 AM

And, as a side note, the "Mystery Meat" logo is something I'm also proud of. In my pants.

The Sommelier

Quite.

March 7, 2008 06:34 PM

The new Wine List logo is rather fetching.

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