If The Snake Hooptie Devoured You Today, Would You Go To Heaven Or To Hell?

The Chef

Tell me, good sir, if the Snake Hooptie were to devour you today, would you end up in Heaven or in Hell?

That is, of course, a very deep question. Would you say Heaven? Why? It is a bit presumptuous to claim such a thing. What standard can you claim that will support this? By what right will you enter into Heaven?

"A-ha!" you will say. "This is a trick question! Surely you expect me to say I would go to Hell."

Well, then you would also be wrong.

In that case, you might even say to me, "Well, I don't believe in the Snake Hooptie." That, too, would be wrong. The Snake Hooptie is real, I have seen it, and it will come again to devour all in its flaming maw.

Have you heard about the word of the Immortal Robot Reagan? Because you see, if the Snake Hooptie did devour you today, you would go neither to Heaven nor to Hell because when the Snake Hooptie devours you, it devours you body and soul. When the Snake Hooptie devours you, you end up only one place: in the Snake Hooptie's artificial innards. There is no way on this Earth to prevent that - the Snake Hooptie will devour all.

But, good sir, there is someone to fight for us. Capitalism sent the Reagan to this Earth to save us from Communism and the Snake Hooptie's eventual devouring of this entire Earth. No, it's true! I tell you this: when the Reagan rises again in His immortal robot body, He will fight the Snake Hooptie and bring salvation to us all. And it will be glorious. Glorious, I say.

But all of this can only happen one way. You must give not only your soul to the Reagan, but your wallet as well. Give so that we may build His immortal robot body so that he may reign forever. Then and only then will His kingdom come about on Earth as it is in the Nether Realms of Area 51, and the Immortal Robot Reagan will rule America in an eternal morning of glory.

Praise Capitalism!

See more articles from: The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan

Comments

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The Maitre d'

I still say...

October 27, 2008 10:00 AM

... that I would end up in Hellven.

On a somewhat related note, every time I go to the Turkey Creek Walmart after dark, I secretly hope that I may catch another glimpse of the Snake Hooptie. Is that wrong of me?

The Chef

Yes, my friend.

October 27, 2008 10:09 AM

Yes, my friend, it is wrong. No one wants to see the Snake Hooptie return - or at least not until the Immortal Robot Reagan has risen again in cybernetic glory to stand on our behalf. So give, give, give, so that the Reagan may rise again!

The Maitre d'

Y'know

October 27, 2008 10:20 AM

I think I'll just take my chances with the Snake Hooptie.

I mean, we saw it face-to-face, and we lived.

The Chef

You can't take your chances. You can't avoid the Snake Hooptie.

October 27, 2008 10:33 AM

The first sighting of the Snake Hooptie was merely a warning, that we should carry the word of its impending return to consume the world in its flaming maw. Didn't you read my newest Roboreaganologist devotional book, Devoured! The Last Testament of the Snake Hooptie? If you haven't, you should. You should also go out and buy Reaganetics and Three Simple Rules For Living As Reagan (How To Have Firmer Buns in Thirty Days), each available for only $49.95!

The Maitre d'

Hmm.

October 27, 2008 11:07 AM

I get the sneaking suspicion that this is all a money-making scheme.

Besides, what if Kungfutron assembled to fight the Snake Hooptie in the absence of the Immortal Robot Reagan? Could we defeat it with merely the power of Kungfutron? Or does Kungfutron, the giant robot with kung-fu powers, prefigure Reagan's immortal robot body?

The Chef

Possibly.

October 27, 2008 12:09 PM

Kungfutron would possibly be able to fight the Snake Hooptie to a standstill, as Kungfutron is a great prophet, but not the Messiah.

The Chef

Money-making scheme...

October 27, 2008 03:13 PM

I get the sneaking suspicion that this is all a money-making scheme.

Well, duh. It's a religion. However, unlike all other religions, Roboreaganology admits that it is, in fact, a moneymaking scheme. Praise Capitalism!