Chainsaw Buffet is more or less what the name implies - an entertaining but demented smorgasbord of opinions, reviews, news, and random thoughts. The “buffet” part means that this isn't my site, nor is it the Maitre d's (although he holds the keys, so you'd better lie to him and kiss his butt). I'm contributing my share of writings, rantings, ravings, and anti-whatever tirades, but we believe in getting other people to chip in. You can't have a buffet with only one kind of dish, and this site will be infinitely poorer if it's only The Chef (or the Maitre d') writing and thinking about what does on here. If you, the reader, have something to contribute, by all means, post away in that little comment box thingy at the bottom of the articles. This site is here to entertain you the reader, so let us know what works and what doesn't.
The exact subject here doesn't matter; in my mind, just about any kind of article belongs on Chainsaw Buffet, because that's what it is. A good buffet has a little bit of everything (but stay away from the overprocessed meatloaf - those aren't bits of egg in it). Reviews, humor, random thoughts, commentary on current events, bizarre news, freakish anomalies of nature, geekish hobbies, you name it - anything goes. The point I'm making is about quality. In life, whatever you're going to do, do it well. Remember that, young Padawan, and you'll go far. Putting things out on the vast, strange-smelling, and porn-filled mass of interconnecting tubes that is the internet is no different. If you're providing something shiny to distract the online masses while demons steal their underwear, provide the best shiny object you can.
As you can probably tell, almost all of our more disturbing gags work through implication. For example, the Maitre d' carrying a clean chainsaw, the Grillmaster playing with dangerous levels of lighter fluid, or the Chef putting mysterious chunks of unidentified meat into the stew and generally cooking Things Man Was Not Meant To Cook. The level of gore is directly proportional to how dirty the viewer's mind is. Fortunately, most people on the internet have very, very dirty minds (Witness the profusion of sites dedicated to B&D stuff - sadly, the Maitre d' won't allow me to add a B&D section on here. I think it's because he has an intense fear of leather straps and ball gags, since his childhood was filled with them.).
So, there it is: quality and eccentricity. I originally wrote bits and pieces of this mission statement back before the site even launched, intending it to be an article of the day. In the two months since launch, we've posted new articles almost daily. I'm proud of what we've accomplished.
But still not as proud as I am of finally getting to use that "demons stealing underwear" line.
See more articles from: Self-Referential Crap • Serious Commentary
The Maitre d'
You edited that a lot
You should really post a follow-up to this article talking about how great my design is.
I would like that a lot, despite the fact no one else would.
The Chef
Well...
The Maitre d'
That's fine.
The Chef
Nah.
The Maitre d'
The Chef
And you know why...
reaperman
The Maitre d'
Not necessarily
At least until he reads it, and then he'll realize immediately who wrote it.
The Chef
He's not that bright.
reaperman
The Chef
No, he's not that bright, either.