Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan Begins New Evangelism Theme: "Offer Them Reagan"

The Chef

(AP) The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, announced Wednesday that the church, which recently won a lawsuit against the Church of Scientology for copyright infringement, would begin a new campaign of advertising and evangelism. The theme of this campaign is three simple words: "Offer Them Reagan". With this new theme for evangelism, the church also chose the book Three Simple Rules For Living As Reagan (How To Have Firmer Buns in Thirty Days), by the renowned theologian Andy Dick, as a guide for meditation and study into the teachings of Ronald Reagan.

"You see, what the author has done is reinterpret the teachings of Roboreaganology in a way that makes it easier to introduce new customers- er, worshipers to the way Reagan wants us to live," The Chef explained. "It doesn't replace the Word of Reagan as revealed in our holy text, Reaganetics - available now for only $49.95! - but it boils some very complex spiritual stuff down to three rules the cretins can get their heads around. You're not going to use that 'cretin' part, are you?"

The three "simple rules" quoted in the book are as follows:

• Do no Communism.
• Do Capitalism.
• Stay in love with Reagan.

"These are three very simple rules to memorize, but they're difficult to truly understand," The Chef stated. "True understanding, of course, requires our weekly seminars - for a modest fee, of course - and spiritual retreats, that sort of thing. All services the Church of Roboreaganology is glad to provide to believers."

"We feel that today a start-up religion doesn't have to be relevant to the modern world or even provide any meaningful answers," The Chef continued, "Instead, all we have to do is put out some simple, easy-to-remember rules people can follow. Or if not follow, at least to spout anytime someone asks them what they believe - actually acting on beliefs is secondary to having snappy sound bites. It also keeps people from doing stupid things like weighing their beliefs against the real world - wouldn't want that happening."

See more articles from: The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan

Comments

The Maitre d'

Meh.

June 11, 2008 07:22 PM

I like "Open Hands. Open Wallets. Open Pockets." better.

The Maitre d'

Start-Up Religions

June 11, 2008 07:25 PM

You don't even have to do that. Just make vague promises of future wealth and well-being based on thinking happy thoughts.

Write a book called "Reagan's Secret."

The Chef

Why do you comment when I'm not even done?

June 11, 2008 09:44 PM

Seriously. I'm two paragraphs in and you already felt the need to comment.

The Maitre d'

Offer them Reagan?

June 12, 2008 08:45 PM

For the next five hours, we're offering this limited edition Reagan! Only three left! It's just fifty bajillion payments off $19.95!

If you order in the next five minutes, we'll throw in Carter absolutely free! A $40 value!

The Chef

Carter is overpriced.

June 13, 2008 08:50 AM

Really. Carter's worth a buck fifty at most. He doesn't even charge admission to his Sunday school lessons.

The Maitre d'

Admission to Sunday School

June 13, 2008 10:02 PM

I'm pretty sure if he did, that would make him a Scientologist.

reaperman

June 13, 2008 10:12 PM

I wonder what kind of capitalist the Chef is if he's pointing out to the public that the free Carter his own organization is offering is overvalued.

The Maitre d'

You underestimate the competition.

June 13, 2008 10:28 PM

You know, Christianity only has two core rules, it's free (depending on what brand you buy into*), and has relevance.

It's like the Linux to your Windows. Sure, it's harder to install and requires more upkeep, but it's also more rewarding and easier on the finances.

* TBN is to Christianity as SCO is to Linux

The Chef

Has relevance?

June 14, 2008 07:55 PM

I would dispute that Christianity has any relevance whatsoever on the modern world.

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