Church of Roboreaganology Files Suit Against Scientologists

The Chef

January 25, 2008 - CLEARWATER, FL. (AP) The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, known for short as Roboreaganology, has filed suit against the heads of the Church of Scientology. The suit alleges the Church of Scientology has defrauded its believers through failure to admit that the church is in fact a moneymaking scheme.

"We believe firmly in honesty with one's congregation," said The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, said in a press release on Monday. "Like Scientology, we are out to make money. There's nothing wrong with that. It's like L. Ron Hubbard said - the way to make a million dollars is to start your own religion. We've taken that to heart. Capitalism wants our believers to give freely to the church. Sadly, our brethren at the Church of Scientology have failed to disclose that underpinning of both our faiths to their adherents. That's what this lawsuit is about."

This artist's rendering depicts Our Lord Reagan
on the day He arises in cybernetic splendor.
Praise Capitalism!

"Historically, religion has been full of moneymaking schemes," The Chef said. "We're only the latest in a long line of religions started just to make a buck. Unlike Scientology, we freely admit that instead of trying to hide it through threats and intimidation. If anything, we feel that we at the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan are more true to L. Ron Hubbard's vision than they are."

The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan preaches a belief that one day the Lord Ronald Reagan will return to usher in a Golden Age of prosperity. Until that day, its believers prepare for His coming by donating money to be spent on constructing the beloved President a new, robotic body. Reagan's preserved head is currently stored in a jar at Area 51.

When asked, The Chef also categorically denied that he had at any point spent church funds on buying a Porsche. "That's a dirty lie and completely false," he responded. "It was a Mercedes."

While Scientology may boast celebrities such as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and John Travolta as prominent members, the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan also has its share of famous believers. Followers of Roboreaganology include Yakov Smirnoff, Wil Wheaton, and Pauly Shore.

See more articles from: The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan • Fake News

Comments

The Maitre d'

Coincidence.

January 25, 2008 06:46 PM

I still love the fact that we started cranking up the "Roboreaganology as a parody of Scientology" thing right around the time Anonymous declared war on Scientology.

The Chef

Indeed.

January 26, 2008 08:49 AM

We are on the bandwagon.

Wait? It's a parody? I thought Roboreaganology was just a more honest version of the same concept.

The Maitre d'

If it's good satire....

January 26, 2008 12:08 PM

... then it's hard to tell the difference.

reaperman

January 26, 2008 02:45 PM

You should have bought a Ferrari. Since they appreciate in value, you could have claimed it as an investment...or fiery chariot for the Lord Reagan's Second Coming.

The Maitre d'

A Ferrari?

January 26, 2008 04:15 PM

While it might make a great fiery chariot (well, fiery red... you only get one use out of it if you make it into a literal fiery chariot), I think you're missing one important point here.

The Immortal Robot Reagan will be a giant robot. Giant robots don't need cars. Giant robots are a gazillion times cooler than cars, no matter how cool the car is.

reaperman

January 26, 2008 04:28 PM

If you get two, he can use them as fiery skates.

The Chef

Well, then...

January 26, 2008 05:23 PM

Why is it that you guys can't take religion seriously?

The Reagan is coming back as an immortal robot, not necessarily a giant robot. There's nothing that says His eternal metal body that's small enough to fit into a Ferrari.

The Maitre d'

Giant robots

January 26, 2008 05:35 PM

Look, if I'm going to put my brain in a robot body, it's gonna be a giant robot body. Name for me one person who wouldn't make the same choice.

reaperman

January 27, 2008 12:33 AM

Ronald Reagan.

BURN!

The Maitre d'

You're missing an important opportunity here.

January 27, 2008 01:55 AM

Yes, yes, you all say that the immortal robot bodies we build should be the same size as normal human bodies, but you forget one thing: if you make them a giant robot, you score the mecha-fanboy demographic that most religions ignore.

Giant robot bodies also cost more in terms of equipment and labor, which means you can beg for more money without it looking suspicious.

Also, once complete, it will bring fear to your enemies the way a normal body cannot. The Empire didn't build the Death Starfighter, they built the Death Star.

And if you completely deny the possibility that immortal robot bodies can be made in the form of giant robots, I'm going to have to split from the church. My new denomination shall be called the Powerarmorists.

The Chef

Okay, then.

January 27, 2008 08:53 AM

To prevent a schism, let's just not make any statement about the proposed size of the Reagan's eternal robot body, one way or the other. The point is he's going to come back as an immortal robot. Arguing about the size is like arguing about the length of Jesus's wang.

The Maitre d'

GAH.

January 27, 2008 12:25 PM

I wish I could remove that last sentence from your comment, and lobotomize it from my mind.

I can do the former, but not the latter. Unless you have a bone saw on hand.

The Maitre d'

Good day, shopkeep.

January 27, 2008 12:27 PM

I require a saw that can cut through a human skull.

(It's funny 'cause my avatar is already carrying a chainsaw.)

The Chef

Yes, but...

January 27, 2008 01:08 PM

You do realize that it's still a valid point, right?

The Maitre d'

Yes, but...

January 27, 2008 01:39 PM

... it's the worst analogy ever written.

reaperman

January 27, 2008 02:47 PM

Powerarmorists sounds like polyamorists. That could be an important tenet of your new denomination.

The Maitre d'

Not really.

January 27, 2008 02:58 PM

At least, I couldn't be the leader if I was to preach polyamorism. I've never run across one woman who's interested in me, much less more than one.

The Chef

Not the worst analogy ever written.

January 27, 2008 04:55 PM

That's not the worst. The worst is:

"Frank fell five stories and hit the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup."

reaperman

January 27, 2008 05:19 PM

No. That one's pretty good.

The Chef

Depends.

January 27, 2008 06:10 PM

That depends on whether or not you like vegetable soup.

reaperman

January 27, 2008 06:24 PM

I love vegetable soup...also Hefty bags and suicide, so the analogy works for me on many levels.

Okay, just the three levels.

The Maitre d'

The analogy

January 27, 2008 07:39 PM

It never says that Frank was committing suicide. Where'd you get that idea?

reaperman

January 27, 2008 08:30 PM

I know Frank...knew.

What's it you you? Wanna fight about it?

The Maitre d'

You sound a bit defensive.

January 27, 2008 09:29 PM

Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much. Are you sure Frank killed himself? Are you sure you didn't kill him?

reaperman

January 27, 2008 09:38 PM

No I didn't kill him...says the guy named reaper. Oops, that should have been internal monologue.

And I'm not undead!!! Stop looking at me with those accusing eyes!

The Chef

y'know...

January 28, 2008 07:53 AM

I think he's protesting too much to be protesting too much, if you get my meaning. Of course, that could be what he wants us to think.

reaperman

January 28, 2008 02:39 PM

I am a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a tortilla.

The Chef

Or maybe just obvious enough.

January 28, 2008 08:17 PM

Or maybe just obvious enough to not be a riddle or an enigma at all.

reaperman

January 28, 2008 09:43 PM

Do I still get the tortilla?

reaperman

January 28, 2008 09:51 PM

Do I still get the tortilla?

The Maitre d'

Tortilla

January 28, 2008 10:05 PM

Yeah, but if you're wrapped in a tortilla without first being wrapped in a mystery and an enigma, that doesn't make you a bigger enigma. That just makes you a burrito.

The Chef

Nope.

January 28, 2008 10:07 PM

Unless you're a taco or quesadilla or something like that, no. And I have the feeling you're going to claim you are in fact a piece of Mexican cuisine just so you can say "eat me".

The Maitre d'

"Eat me"?

January 28, 2008 10:09 PM

While that is an excellent snarky comeback, I don't think Charlie can really use it, for it cannot top "bite hyphen me."

reaperman

January 29, 2008 05:14 PM

Who said "bite hyphen me?" Was it me? It sounds familiar.

The Maitre d'

Yup.

January 29, 2008 09:31 PM

You did indeed say that during a game of Who's Line.

You could only speak in one word sentences.

reaperman

January 29, 2008 09:59 PM

Thanks for the context. I've really got to start writing this stuff down. Apparently, it's comedy gold.

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