Church of Scientology Fires Back At Roboreaganologist Lawsuit

January 28, 2008 12:00 AM

January 28, 2008 - CLEARWATER, FL. (AP) Leaders and prominent members of the Church of Scientology spoke out today, decrying the lawsuit filed against their organization by the rival Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan. The suit alleges that the Church of Scientology has defrauded its members through failing to disclose the religion's origins as a moneymaking scam. The Scientologist leaders said in a press conference that the claims made in the suit were completely false.

"At no point have we ever hidden the fact that L. Ron Hubbard made up everything he wrote," David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board of Religious Technology Center, said. "L. Ron admitted everything right from the beginning - if you don't believe me, just ask Harlan Ellison about those cocktail napkins he's been holding for us."

Miscavige went on to state that from the very beginning, Scientology has taken pride in its roots as a classic pyramid scheme. He noted that the church has always embraced capitalism and moneymaking ventures, citing his organization's vigorous defense of its copyrights. Miscavige also pointed out that the Religious Technology Center is an incorporated business. "The Church of Roboreaganology claims to worship Capitalism, but they have yet to start a corporation like ours. I think it's obvious which of us is a real religion and which is a moneymaking scheme."

"All of the lies being spread by our enemies are a plot by Xenu to destroy the Church," he continued. Immediately thereafter, half of the audience dropped dead upon hearing Xenu's name.

"The stories being spread in this lawsuit by the suppressive persons at the so-called Church of Roboreaganology must be stopped," Miscavige stated. "They're fair game now."

See more articles from: The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan • Fake News

Comments

The Maitre d'

"RTC"

January 27, 2008 12:49 PM

Huh. I've been reading some of the Scientology articles that have been popping up on Digg in the wake of the Anonymous thing, and kept seeing the acronym "RTC." Didn't realize it meant "Religious Technology Center." I keep seeing it and thinking of "Real True Christian," which is obviously not what it means.

The Chef

"Anonymous"

January 29, 2008 07:54 PM

"Anonymous" is the retarded dweebs from 4chan. So a bunch of immature, brain-dead script kiddies are taking on a bunch of whacko, sue-happy hypocritical cultists. Whoever wins, we lose.

The Maitre d'

I disagree.

January 29, 2008 09:31 PM

OK, Anonymous may be exactly what you say, but the brilliance of the scheme is it doesn't matter who Anonymous is or how many there are. If they get enough of the Internet whipped up against Scientology, and maybe prompt some of the people who get their news from the traditional media to realize Scientology is a scary scam cult, then it doesn't matter whether they're a group of five dorks from 4chan or a hundred rocket scientists.

The Chef

Yes but...

January 29, 2008 10:13 PM

The thing is, if Scientology wins this (and believe me, they will sue when they find these people), they'll have more evidence for the "we're a legitimate religion being persecuted" bullshit they try to feed people. If the 4chan morons win, they'll have their immature, illegal tactics (like the DDOS attacks) legitimized by using them to take down a threat to rational thinking. So either way, we lose.

The Maitre d'

Hmm

January 29, 2008 10:38 PM

This is a good point. I was coming at it from the "increased awareness" angle, but you're right that everything else will just lead to lawsuits and legitimizing what's essentially vigilante justice.

reaperman

January 30, 2008 07:29 AM

Vigilante justice in this case would be if the Chef shot Tom Cruise in the chest to pave a bloody road for the return of Ronald Reagan.

The Chef

Not that I would do that kind of thing.

January 30, 2008 08:35 AM

Really. I wouldn't.

I would hire someone to do it and they would never, ever, ever trace it to me.

reaperman

January 30, 2008 02:06 PM

I don't know. If you remained jobless long enough I think you'd be too poor to afford an assassin and too crazy to care.

The Chef

You forget.

January 30, 2008 04:15 PM

The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan is, first and foremost, a moneymaking scheme. If it takes off and we get some rich and gullible celebrities to donate, I should have enough to hire a hypothetical assassin.

Not that I would ever do that*.

*Unless Tom Cruise makes another Mission: Impossible sequel. Then he must die.

reaperman

January 30, 2008 05:45 PM

"If" is the critical part of that sentence.

The Chef

I misspoke.

January 30, 2008 05:48 PM

I should have said "when". Because it will.

The Maitre d'

Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise Crazy

January 30, 2008 06:51 PM

Just be glad it's him not you.

The Maitre d'

"hypothetical assassin"

January 31, 2008 12:23 AM

I think that would be pointless.

You would hand him a photo of your target and say, "Can you kill this man?"

Then he'd reply, "It's possible."

You would then pay him, thank him for his time, and send him on his way.

reaperman

January 31, 2008 07:29 AM

Also, it would make him a martyr and a saint...or whatever their crazy religion has.

reaperman

January 31, 2008 07:30 AM

And I certainly don't want to have to deal with a holiday based on Tom Cruise. All the cards would have his face on them.

reaperman

January 31, 2008 07:32 AM

Tom Cruise Day cards. That would be a fun crafts project.

The Maitre d'

Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise Crazy

January 31, 2008 08:52 AM

If you had Tom Cruise’s troubles
You might be Tom Cruise crazy too

The Chef

Crom Tuise.

January 31, 2008 05:29 PM

Indeed. But Scientology cured his dyslexia!

Oh, and the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan now has a new, more enlightened logo.

The Maitre d'

Logos

January 31, 2008 06:30 PM

Yes, but did you have to make it so ginormous? It's a nice logo, but the category logos are only meant to serve as an adornment of the article, not as the main attraction. OK, I'm probably a hypocrite, because I've done some things that scream "LOOK AT MY L33T PHOTOSHOP SKILLZ!"

I am saddened that no one got my Jonathan Coulton reference. Although that's probably realistic, since I was probably the only person who, upon hearing Code Monkey, went and downloaded all of his free MP3s.

The Chef