Real-Time Review: The Gameplan
15 minute mark- I come in from picking up lunch and Nathan and Crystal are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Judging from the precocious 8 year-old and the presence of actor/steroid aficionado Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, my detective’s instincts tell me this must be “The Gameplan”. Another piece of Disney’s intricate plan to control behavior among the adult male population by placing action movie stars in D-list family comedies starting with the word “The”. I’m not sure, but I believe that John Grisham is prominently involved.
In any case, the movie is pretty much exactly like the commercials they kept airing during its original theater run, with bits of witty banter between the Rock and his intellectual counterpart during the film, some supposed 8 year-old whose name I can’t be bothered to look up, even though I’m writing this on a computer that’s hooked up to the internet using an unholy amount of bandwidth. The fact is, I’d rather write half a paragraph explaining why I don’t care about who any of the people in this movie are than look up their names on IMDB.
So far, the little girl is making up some bullshit story about how her mom put her in a taxi with no supervision and said “Hey, go see your Daddy- Momma’s gotta blow a couple of G’s in Atlantic City!” It’s clear that the girl is obviously hiding something, but is using her intellectual prowess to distract the Rock from doing the obvious thing- calling the Department of Children’s Services. The Rock then accepts the fact that this girl is actually his daughter, forgoing any sort of paternity test or asking any of the obvious questions that one would have if their supposed child showed up at their doorstep on their own with no forewarning.
45 minute mark- By this time, I’ve learned two things about the main characters in this film:
- The Rock is a pompous douchebag.
- The little girl is a conniving manipulative bitch who, if she were my daughter, would go visit her grandfather who would use the same corrective methods on her that my father used on me- emotional abuse and using self-serving fear based religious sermons night and day to turn her into an unthinking husk of a human being before she goes on a bender and becomes a 330 pound emotional invalid.
1 hour, 15 minute mark- After reading a few pages of Stormlight (a delightful fantasy adventure novel by Forgotten Realms creator Ed Greenwood chronicling one of Storm Silverhand’s many adventures), I decide to finish moving my computer to my upstairs bedroom so I can actually, um, use my computer, rather than having it be ambient furniture for the basement.
1 hour, 45 minute mark- by now, I’m giddy, because according to the Smash Bros website, Marth is returning as a character in the upcoming Super Smash Bros: Brawl. I go in to the living room to share my excitement, and I realize people are watching some movie or another. Judging by the presence of actor/steroid aficionado Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and a precocious 8 year-old, I’m gathering this is “The Gameplan”. It seems like I remember reading something about this movie someplace before. Apparently, the little girl is a bitch and the Rock is a pompous asshole. Apparently, the Rock took too much of the clear while hanging out with Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds (allegedly), and nearly killed the little girl. Hilarity ensues.
1 hour, 50 minute mark- it’s the big game. So far, the Rock is sinking like … Peyton Manning in the parking lot outside of a gay bar (allegedly … okay, so I just made it up. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, though). Then the little girl shows up. They talk for a minute and the Rock magically plays better. They win. Hooray.
In the end, it was a pretty decent movie. Everything ended happily, with Marth being in the new Smash Bros, and my computer now being easily accessible, so I can look up porn while my wife is hard at work cleaning our bedroom. This way, I can make sure she doesn’t fuck something up like forgetting where my t-shirts should go in the closet.
I’d give it a C squared, if for no other fact than I finally got to catch up on some reading.
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The Maitre d'
Indeed.
Reality: "This random girl showed up on my doorstep and claims to be my daughter. She says her mom dropped her off with no supervision. I should probably call DCS on her mother for abandoning her child with a virtual stranger. They will find a nice safe place for the kid to stay until they can track her down."
reaperman
The Maitre d'
Sure, blame Disney
Also, I think it's well known your feelings on rape. How does it feel with the shoe on the other foot?
reaperman
Physical rape and mental rape are different...related, but different. And you really don't know how I feel about rape.
The Maitre d'
How you feel
reaperman
The Maitre d'
I dunno.
reaperman
The Maitre d'
You really should have looked it up on IMDB
You can come up with some truly awesome/horrible connections if you just poke around IMDB enough.
For example, we watched Lake Placid 2 tonight. In the first movie the crazy old woman was played by Betty White. In the second movie the crazy old woman was played by Cloris Leachman. The bizarre connection? These two women both played annoyingly pompous characters on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
The Chef
And...
The Maitre d'
By the way...
Also, using the aforementioned connection, I figure it might be better if you dreamed up some backstory as to why two women from Minneapolis, one a cooking show host and the other... whatever Phyllis was, move to some house in Florida, pretend to be sisters, and feed people to giant alligators.
If only Gavin McLeod had been there to stop them.
The Chef
Indeed.
The Maitre d'
So what you're saying is...
I'll leave you to ponder the implications of that, and the vast sums of raw material for articles that arms you with.
The Chef
Don't put words in my mouth.
reaperman
And if he is the Chuck Norris of Chainsaw Buffet, then can we not also say that he is old and broken down? I think we need to explore that.
The Chef
Probably not.
reaperman
The Chef
My policy...
The Maitre d'
His power
... the only reason I know of that movie is they advertised it like crazy on J103 when it came out. I'm pretty sure it wasn't technically a Christian movie, just a "Kids these days and their lax morals! Bah! Now the 1890's--there was an era of high standards!" movie.
And Gavin McLeod's character in that movie was named Norris... coincidence? I think not.
The Chef
It shall not be spoken of.
And actually, it does sound like a "the world is going to Hell" movie, preaching morality from on high.
The Maitre d'
Indeed.
The Chef
No...
The Maitre d'
Oh come on...
Or maybe "I believe that secular entertainment is one of the biggest tools that Satan uses to mislead people."
... I think we need to procure this movie and review it. It would be one part MST3K and one part Left Behind Fridays.
The Chef
Again, no.
The Maitre d'
"... something you want to remember, and something you try desperately to forget..."
The Chef
Well, that's different.
reaperman
Tee hee
The Maitre d'
Gavin McLeod does not approve.
reaperman
So?
The Maitre d'
Interesting search terms...
"cloris leachman +rape +gavin mcleod"
I am not even kidding, although for my sanity, I wish I was. Somewhere out there, there's a guy looking for Mary Tyler Moore Show slashfic fanart.
I hate you, Interwebs.
The Chef
Holy hell.
reaperman
The Chef
Nope.