Will Dylan Eat It: Edible Easter Grass

May 4, 2009 12:00 AM

Our story today takes place the week after Easter, and you know what that means. It means the same thing that the week after any over-commercialized holiday means: CANDY ON SALE. And today, I could fight the urge no longer.

Well, in a manner of speaking. I had the urge to buy some candy, but being that it was a full three days after Easter, I had to fight just as hard to find something I actually wanted to buy. Sure, there were the usual assortment of chocolate bunnies (if I wanted to be boring) and chocolate crosses (if I wanted to be sacreligious). But there was nothing that truly jumped out at me and screamed "Buy me, feast on my contents, and put yourself into a diabetic coma!"

Imported from Germany!

FEAST!

FEAST!

Only 100 calories.

OM NOM NOM

Not until I saw it.

It looked like the perfect treat: edible Easter grass. It was green. It was green apple flavored (and I do love me some sour green apple flavored candy). It was only 100 calories for the entire bag.

And it was imported from Germany. You know what comes from Germany: delicious gourmet chocolates. And Hitler. So I had a 50/50 shot at getting something tasty rather than something that would try to conquer Europe.

One couldn't quite tell the texture from looking at it, but I imagined it must be like some sort of delicious sugary rope. Nevermind that such a thing would make everything in an Easter basket disturbingly sticky, like some sort of OCD sweet tooth's worst nightmare.

Opening it up, I was rather unimpressed. There was no delicious appley bouquet. And the ropes, which I imagined to be smooth and sugary like a candy cane, were actually crunchy and brittle. Like cardboard. Or styrofoam. Not unlike cardboard or styrofoam, the taste itself was very mild. Sadly.

I'm not sure what sort of dark magicks could have created such a thing, but instantly I wondered (as I do with many foods) if this was really safe to eat. I couldn't imagine any reason it wouldn't be. But I kept thinking of styrofoam. And how I didn't want to end up with cancer. Again.

Finally reading the ingredients list, I begin to get some idea of how this Candy That Should Not Be was possible. Potato starch and corn starch. That would explain the reason it had the taste and texture of a corn or rice cake: it was made from vegetables, not sugar or, in fact, anything candy-like at all at all. In fact, the only thing sweet in it was aspartame. Which would explain the 100 calories and the mild and somewhat odd sweetness.

Wrapping my head around the idea of a green apple flavored rice cake was odd, but it made things sort of tasty, actually. All in all, not a terrible snack.

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Comments

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The Chef

Edible paper.

May 2, 2009 10:10 AM

Congratulations. They've made edible paper almost interesting. Almost.

Now try edible panties. I hear they're made of the same stuff.

The Sommelier

They're really trying...

May 3, 2009 04:27 PM

to sell you on it being IMPORTED FROM GERMANY. Apparently, that is very important.

The Sommelier

PANTIES!

May 3, 2009 04:27 PM

Good idea.

The Maitre d'

Imported from Germany

May 3, 2009 11:30 PM

Of course. They sell this stuff at Wal-Mart. It's playing up the exotic, gourmet candy aspect.

And, if you think about some of the other places Wal-Mart imports their products from... well, it'd probably be marketing suicide to emblazon that on the front of the bag.

The Maitre d'

Erm, no.

May 3, 2009 11:33 PM

Now try edible panties. I hear they're made of the same stuff.

There's really no incentive for me to do this, what with the "gonna die cold and alone" thing.

The Chef

Imported from where?

May 4, 2009 07:39 AM

And, if you think about some of the other places Wal-Mart imports their products from... well, it'd probably be marketing suicide to emblazon that on the front of the bag.

Oh, he did.