Jimmy the Squid

Jimmy the Squid
Jimmy the Squid

Please let me out, I've been stuck here since November 23, 2007 03:46 PM

Profile

Jimmy the Squid is a mystery to even those who work at the Buffet. While he claims to be a simple disembodied tentacle, the truth is that only Gavin McLeod knows what lurks at the bottom of the Chef's soup pot (and Gavin isn't talking). Some claim that he is really an unknown horror from beyond space and time, laying in wait until the stars come right and his kind again rule the Earth. Others say he's just a piece of calamari gone bad.

Jimmy the Squid.
I miss Jimmy the Squid.
Like most creatures with minimal brain function, Jimmy's interests include talk radio and CNN. He occasionally posts his ramblings here on Chainsaw Buffet, spreading wisdom and harebrained theories alike.

No one really knows why Jimmy hasn't been served up for dinner by now. It's entirely possible that he holds some secrets to blackmail the Chef with.

Articles

More Blasphemous Politics

June 4, 2008 10:55 AM

Jimmy the Squid, the Buffet's resident political curmudgeon/presidential candidate/blue-plate special shares more news from the campaign trail.

Pointless Clinton Political Blathering, Possibly Libelous

May 14, 2008 08:07 AM

Jimmy the Squid reveals his theories about the truth behind Hillary Clinton's race for the Democratic nomination.

Jimmy the Squid for President, Part 2

February 13, 2008 12:00 AM

Jimmy the Squid tackles the Republican candidates and taunts Rush Limbaugh by dangling a bottle of Oxycontin six inches out of his reach.

Jimmy the Squid For President

February 9, 2008 12:00 AM

In light of the impending disaster that is the November presidential elections, Jimmy the Squid offers an alternative: why not choose a candidate more qualified than any of the others?

Recent Comments

Has posted 4 comment(s)

You see, it is all coming true!

August 19, 2008 08:49 AM on Pointless Clinton Political Blathering, Possibly Libelous
According to your pitiful fleshling news media (or what passes for news in the Brainwashed States of America), Baroque Osama or whatever his name is is about to name his chief henchman in the race for dictatorship of your pitiful Third World Nation in the near future. Thus, human lunch meat, my prediction shall come to pass - Hillary will be his choice. Mark my words, pathetic creatures! And when it comes to pass that Her Unholiness has the poor Senator bumped off in an appropriately dramatic manner and assumes the lordship of your realm, you will wish you had voted for me instead. I promise only the sweet and simple extinction of humankind; surely that is more appealing than having another Clinton in the Oval Office.

Vote Jimmy!

I assure you...

June 4, 2008 08:12 PM on More Blasphemous Politics
I assure you, human lunch meat, that I am as serious about this as I am about anything else.

And remember: come November, vote for Jimmy, vote early and vote often!

Jimmy the Squid for President!

"My" take?

June 4, 2008 01:25 PM on More Blasphemous Politics
My "take" (as well as the "take" of any right-thinking pseudopod-American) is that something is fishy in the state of Denmark. While I have no doubts that the people doing most of the spreading of these rumors are nothing more than a bunch of overpatriotic red-white-and-blue-wearing Red-Man-chewing Libertarian cretins, I think one doesn't have to look any further than Barack Obama's own party to see where the source of the rumor lies. The Party's leadership doesn't much like the idea that a black man could succeed without their benevolent aid, and using the opposition's ultraright-wing nutbags to blacken Obama's reputation seems about like the kind of thing they would do.

And I blame Chuck Norris. It's all his fault, by Gavin.

The Squid Revises His Theory

June 1, 2008 09:20 AM on Pointless Clinton Political Blathering, Possibly Libelous
I have had occasion to rethink my theory on Hillary's impending election and impeachment, and thought it would be appropriate to get it on virtual paper before it went from a legitimate prediction to an after-the-fact "I knew this was going to happen".

It is still my firm belief that Hillary's refusal to let her campaign and her career die with dignity (and at what point does CPR become necrophilia, anyway?) will lead her to do some desperate things (not so desperate as to - gasp! consider working with the Evil Republicans, but desperate enough) and to consent to being Barack Obama's running mate and love slave (much as Bill did with Al Gore, but with 200% more miscegenation sure to upset the folks back in Little Rock). I further restate my claim that, upon assuming office, she will undoubtedly pull a Vince Foster and have Barack bumped off. Here's where the new part of the theory comes in.

See, it's my belief (in much the same way that Creationists believe that man walked alongside dinosaurs, but with more truth and reasoning behind that belief) that she will not only have a potential President Barack Obama assassinated, but she will ensure that the hypothetical killer is a white supremacist Republican (the two being, of course, synonymous in many left-wingers' minds, despite the fact that the Democratic Party was the party of segregation and Jim Crow). Thus, not only will it eliminate her only obstacle to near-absolute power as ruthless dictator of a Third World nation, it will also tar her personal and political enemies (and again, I restate that in her mind, there is zero difference between the two) with the brush of being responsible for her immediate and expired predecessor's untimely demise.

If this thought doesn't scare you, for God's sakes, why the hell not?