Real-Time Review- DOA: Dead or Alive

45 minute mark:

After a hard day of fighting, the women break to … play volleyball! Never has anyone so successfully incorporated all of the elements of a franchise as Cory Yuen! Spielberg, Lucas, and now Yuen!!! Meanwhile, it turns out that DOATEC, the company started by Helena’s father, Fame “I’m Gonna Live Forever� Douglas and sponsor of the tournament, apparently distrusts the world banking system and thus keeps all of its money in a vault on “Dead of Alive Island�. Not only that, but Fame decided the best way to keep his Secret Combination secret was by tattooing it on the back of his daughter’s neck. That way, in case he ever forgot, he could just bang his daughter doggie-style to find out what the combination was. If only all of us could be Fame Douglas, BELIEVE IT!!

AWESOME FACT!!

DOA: Dead or Alive is the most incestuous movie of all time at this point, barring any major intervention throughout the rest of this film.

60 minute mark:

Ayane and Kasumi get into a fight in a bamboo forest. Ayane’s about to kill Kasumi, when all of a sudden the unimportant characters show up to interrupt the fight. At this point, I’m a little upset about the second-tier treatment they’ve been giving my favorite character, but honestly, I’m starting to believe this may, in fact, be a clever set-up by the man-Genius Yuen.

75 minute mark:

More fighting. Hayabusa disappears.

90 minute mark:

Turns out Victor Donovan (the man who took over DOATEC when Helena’s father Fame “It’s Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be� Douglas died at the hands of the assassin Bayman) was actually hoping to learn the fighting secrets of the world’s four strongest fighters so he can put them in his magic sunglasses and sell those sunglasses all over the world. Of course, these sunglasses don’t actually teach you any of those moves, it simply simulates their likely pattern of attack so you can anticipate their moves.

At this point, I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that maybe this movie has a few chinks in its armor. I mean, wouldn’t those sunglasses be all but useless, since the only people it works on in the world you could count on one hand? And wouldn’t those fall off during a Mega-Super Kung Fu Ninjitsu fight? Surely Cory “I’m Better Than� Yuen has something up his sleeve to tie everything together, right?

Oh, here we go. The real reason Victor “My Future’s So Bright� Donovan created the “I Gotta Wear� shades was so he could win in a one-on-one fight against Hayate, who he imprisoned and allowed to hone his martial arts skills to their finest for an entire year. It all makes perfect sense now.

Meanwhile, Cory Yuen is paying with sexual favors to repay the debt he incurred from losing his bet …