Tokyo residents mildly startled by large-scale extradimensional attack

December 21, 2012 – Tokyo, Japan – Witnesses were mildly startled today, although not completely surprised, as the city of Tokyo was encased in an enormous extradimensional bubble.

“Huh, another alien attack,” one witness commented. “Well, I guess I won’t be making it to work on time today.”

“At least the time-shifting thing is different,” another witness was overheard to say. “I mean, the first time you survive a giant robot or kaiju attack, it’s terrifying, but now it’s just become an annoyance.”

“Holy sh–, did you see that?” one otaku who survived the attack giggled gleefully. “That was the most friggin’ sweet thing I have ever seen!”

Extradimensional bubble slightly startles, inconveniences Tokyo citizens
Extradimensional bubble slightly startles,
inconveniences Tokyo citizens

Questions and Answers

Researchers and scholars on the subjects of quantum mechanics, mythology, and building frickin’ awesome giant robots were convened on the island of Nirai-Kunai soon after the event occurred.

Experts are convinced that this event has something to do with the end of the Mayan calendar, but are not quite sure what its significance is yet.

Further confirming the connection, the large hemispherical barrier has been identified as “Huracan-Tucur” by Ernst Von Bahbehm. Von Bahbem is a scholar of Mayan culture, collector of Mayan artifacts, and the only person in Japan who can actually speak the ancient Mayan language. He runs a shadowy organization that assists him in collecting these artifacts, and lives in a giant, secluded, scary mansion.

Von Bahbem has absolutely no connection to the attack and is surely not evil, police investigators say.

Moving On

Survivors on the outside are struggling to regroup. Families, friends, and highschool sweethearts have been separated. Counselors have been brought in to help the grieving victims cope with the loss and/or carry the torch for their first loves missing in the attack for, oh, say, about 15 years.

Per Japanese law, it is required that a paramilitary organization be formed to fight the invaders. An organization that, by local statutes, must be staffed by plucky young heroes with emotional issues.

Tokyo News was able to contact Commander Jin Kunugi, the military lead for this new organization, for comment. Kunugi is a former military official forced out of the service due to a humiliating event in his past. This incredibly interesting backstory will surely be revealed in the course of operations against the alien invader, only to be used against him by a treasonous (and albino) subordinate.

“Ah, geez, not this ‘attack from an alien invader’ bullcrap again,” remarked Kunugi of the incident. “Seriously, it’s hard as hell to find enough angsty teens and twenty-somethings to staff a secret organization these days.”

“These sort of attacks are becoming so common that the teen population around Tokyo has been cut in half in recent years,” Kunugi continued. “They’re always getting blown up, or unceremoniously killed halfway through the series, or absorbed into a giant something-or-other. Plus, you know, that whole annoying ‘entire population of Tokyo stuck inside extradimensional space’ thing kind of limits our options, too.”

“It’s gotten so bad we’ve started psychologically abusing the well-adjusted teens just to bump up our crop of giant robot and starfighter pilots.”

“But the nature of these attacks are sort of a bonus for us,” Kunugi added. “I mean, the time difference ensures that we’ve got a whole class of candidates to pick from when we finally breach the barrier. And the fact that many of them have been separated from friends and family… well, if we’re looking for angsty teens, then jackpot.”