Deconstructing Spammers 2: Electric Boogaloo

OK, if you read Deconstructing Spammers, you know the deal here. I take actual spam subject lines I’ve received, and then make witty comments about them.

“Your new world is awaitng its leader”

BWAHAHAHAH! They’re going to make me leader of an entire world? Thank you, spam, you’ve finally produced something useful. At last, recognition!

Wait, nevermind. It’s just another male enhancement ad. I’m not sure I appreciate what you’re implying about my manliness, true though it may be. Screw you yet again, spammers.

“Hey! Do you want to make huge money?!”

I can’t read this subject line without imagining they’re talking about comically oversized play money. Wouldn’t it be awesome if real money were huge like that?

Also, I think the law should require you to wear comically oversized sunglasses whilst handling this new comically oversized money. Picture that.

No, really, just take a second and picture that. You can wait to read the rest of the article after you pull yourself off the floor laughing.

“Fill your nights with love and passion!”

My first thought when I saw this subject line was, “you mean instead of the loneliness and failure they’re currently filled with?”

“When YOU WIN, we win!”

OK, I’m pretty sure this is an ad for an online casino. And frankly… who would seriously buy this? Do you not understand how gambling works? The house takes a bunch of money from gambling addicts suckers its patrons, and then doles out winnings every so often. When you lose, the house wins. When you win, the house loses. Unless they’re printing counterfeit money, that’s the only way it can work.

But they’re spammers, so they may be printing counterfeit money. I mean, I’m pretty sure doing something that illegal isn’t beyond their lax moral code.

“See your [censored] swelling day by day!”

I don’t know about you, but if I saw that, I’m pretty sure I’d want to go to the doctor. That sounds kind of painful.

“it’s ‘Whaazzzzzzzzz up!'”

You fail. Sorry.

“Re: Best Prices for impotence, today sale!”

A sale? Today? You know, I’ve been meaning to pick some up for a while now, and if it’s on sale… well, now’s as good a time as any. I think I’ll call right now.

Hello? Sir? I’d like one order of impotence please.

Haw haw.

On a side note, what’s with spammers putting “re:” in front of subject lines to confuse you? I’m pretty sure I didn’t send an email with that subject to a “Men*s Health News.” Maybe I’m just so disconnected with people that I send so little email I’m able to remember it all. Who knows.

But how stupid do you have to be to see that and think, “Huh, I don’t remember sending an email about ‘MBA qualification and award,’ but the subject line has ‘Re:’ at the beginning, so it must be a reply?”

“Prove that you’re not a loser!”

Sorry, I can’t. But as a consolation prize, I can empirically prove that I am a loser. Will that work for you?

But seriously, who do you think you are emailing me randomly and asking me to prove stuff? You have some gall to pull that kind of crap with me.

“Say NO to being small-sized loser!”

I’ve been saying “NO” to this for at least a decade, but it never really changed anything. This mind-over-matter stuff is complete B.S.

“Say YES to your new super-abilities!”

What kind of super-abilities do I get? Flying? X-Ray vision? Command of aquatic creatures? Because if all I get is the ability to command aquatic creatures, the deal’s off. That’s the worst super-ability ever. It’s so bad that making fun of it (as I’m doing now) has become a horribly clichéd joke.

And seriously, how are you going to pull that off? Modify my genetic structure? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that in real life. In the comics, something screwy happens in your cells and you get superpowers. In real life, that happened and I got lymphoma. Yeah, growing at tumor the size of a baseball in your neck is some crazy awesome superpower! Bet all the comic book fans are wanting that one!

“Attract the best girls in your life!”

I already tried attracting the best girl in my life. It didn’t work. I fail at life. Next.

“Re: You can pay off your loan early”

Actually, I can do this without your help. That’s because I have a job and save money.

And then there are those male enhancement spam messages that consist of a title that’s a combination of three random elements in a random order:

  • a name
  • a euphemism for the male reproductive organ
  • a synonym for large

Those always make me laugh when it’s a girl’s name, because I always read it as “[girl’s name] has a [large] [male reproductive organ].”