Deconstructing Spammers 3: The Final Dimension

Technically, if I wanted to make fun of the Highlander series, I should have named this article “Deconstructing Spammers: The Final Dimension.” Because there was no Highlander 3. To call Highlander: The Final Dimension “Highlander 3” is to admit there was a Highlander 2.

And we all know what a travesty that was.

But enough about terrible sequels that were an utter disgrace to the originals (like the other two Matrix movies). You came here to read some spam subject lines and my witty commentary on them.

Well, OK, you probably just clicked here by accident. Anyway, read on:

“Re: Get a piece of the rock”

This actually works as a spam subject line, but only if you imagine Sean Connery saying it as you’re reading it. Because he was in The Rock, get it? Also, he’s the lasht of his bhreed.

The most bizarre thing about this spam email? It was for “Nirdosh,” a product that apparently helps you quit smoking nicotine and marijuana. I suppose there are people out there taking both, but I can’t imagine why. Slowly kill yourself while simultaneously burning your brain out? Brilliant! Wait… what?

Oh, and as an aside for you otaku, “Nirdosh” is not the same thing as the “Nirvash,” although wouldn’t it be freaking cool if you used a giant robot to stop smoking?

“Yummy soft deals online”

For my money, there’s nothing better than deals fresh from the oven. They’re warm and soft and chewy and delicious, and… wait, no, those are cookies. What the hell is a “yummy soft deal?”

OK, now, here’s the shocker. Yummy soft deals online must refer to some sort of soft-tab variety of a weight loss pill or anti-ED pill or something, right? No, this spam is trying to sell me “low price PC and Mac lawful software and computer solutions for anyone.”

Whether I am a corporate buyer, a holder of small-scale enterprise, or go shopping for my own PC, they guess they can assist me.

No, really, that’s what the message said. “We guess we can assist you.”

“Never Make Another Credit Card Payment”

Whatever you say there, chief. That sounds like a great strategy… if I wanted to destroy my credit and have collectors hounding the crap out of me 24/7. I think I’ll just not take your advice.

“Your Love Has Opened”

I have no idea what this touchy-feely bunch of claptrap is supposed to mean. The message just says “A Is For Attitude.” Whoop-dee-freaking-doo. “A” is for a lot of things. You know how many words in the English language start with “A”? I don’t have an exact count, but somewhere around 1/26th of those big red Webster’s dictionaries are words that start with the letter “A.” That’s a heck of a lot of words.

OK, this wasn’t really a funny message, except for the email address: i_shotem_all@[domainname].com. I Shot ‘Em All. That, my friends, is one creative spammer. He could be doing something with his life, like writing for a piece of crap website that no one reads, like me. OK, that doesn’t really count as “doing something with your life,” but it’s better than being a spammer.

“Your new [censored] will win more prizes!”

Excuse me. I may be misunderstanding something here. They have contests for this sort of thing? Like with trophies and award ribbons and an article in the newspaper? Do these things happen at the state fair or something?

Seriously though, I know what they’re going for, but if you read it literally, it’s just ludicrous.

“cocoon lingo cowslip?”


In conclusion, there is one thing to say for spam: sometimes, you can gain something useful from it–I mean other than these random bits of hilarity. Spammers apparently come up with really cool character names for those of you with writer’s block. Which is much better than, say, naming your characters after mountain ranges.