Great Moments in Television History

Ah, I see you’ve chosen Great Moments in Television History. I’m afraid we do not have that vintage because we do not serve crap here. Your memories of wonderful television moments are clouded by nostalgia and tinted rose. Therefore, your cherished memories are wrong and hurtful. May I instead suggest something that looks forward, rather than backward? I think you’ll find it crisp and subtle, with hints of wood smoke and gerbils. It will be a much better accompaniment to your chainsaw buffet.

As you may have noticed, there’s a writers’ strike going on. And as it drags on, we are experiencing a dearth of televised joy. But this lack of scripted television also provides a cornucopia of television opportunity. For you see, with the writers gone there are plenty of opportunities for enterprising young scabs like your sommelier. Being a sommelier doesn’t just mean that I know everything about wine. It also means that I know everything about writing television gold. Big Hollywood types are always coming into the Chainsaw Buffet, like Jason Alexander and Mr. T. And sometimes I pay a waiter to slip one of my scripts under their entree. The following synopsizes just one of my goldenest of gold ideas.

Okay, this pitch is for an hour long crime drama. It’s about a serial killer…in a grocery store. The first ten minutes of every episode are about the killer walking down the aisles, jotting down notes on a grocery list. Then, without warning, he stabs a random shopper in the eye with his pen. BAM! Intro, credits, theme song, commercial break.

The rest of the episode is about a veteran detective and his rookie partner hunting down the killer. They investigate the scene, follow leads, and so forth. That will take up the next twenty minutes or so.

The last ten minutes will be a life or death chase between the detectives and the killer. But at the last minute, the killer eludes them. Or maybe they catch him…then he breaks out again. This way, you can really explore the characters of the killer and the detectives over the whole season…except for the rookie. He dies. He dies in every episode.

Not only is this compelling television, but also extremely cost effective. First off, you only need three stars; the killer, the veteran, and the rookie. Sure, the rookie dies, but you use the same actor and just give him a different name and hairstyle in the next episode…maybe a mustache. You also save money on locations because, here’s the hook, the killer stays in the grocery store throughout the entire episode. The characters never leave the store during the episode. Also, the killer only murders someone in the same store every week.

The drama practically writes itself. You don’t necessarily even need writers. We’re already in talks with Steven Seagal to play the veteran detective. And Ted Raimi has agreed to play the rookie. All it’s missing is a catchy bit a music like Law & Order has. Oh, and a title. I guess.

About The Sommelier

No, that's a Somalian. Lead singer for gamer rock band Axes and Alibis.