Jimmy the Squid For President

I may just be a disembodied tentacle living in the Chef’s soup pot, but even I know that the democracy of the United States is set up so that your pathetic human-run country gets exactly the kind of government it deserves. Sadly, the truth is that your pathetic little tribe of Homo sapiens really has been that bad. It seems to me that no matter who you choose, you’re going to lose out. I intend to offer you an alternative, to throw my hat into the ring (so to speak, anyway – as a disembodied tentacle, I don’t have much use for headgear), but let me first make my case.

For Or Against Hillary, You’re Still Going To Lose

Let’s examine the most prominent of candidates, Hillary Clinton. A former president of the United States, Hillary took a demotion when she chose to run for the U.S. Senate. Then, eight years later, she’s running for president again. I thought your pathetic human-written Constitution had something to say about that. Granted, it probably has something against underage tentacles holding high office, too, but if this Hillary person can ignore those restrictions, then so can I.

The saddest thing about this business, however, is that Hillary Clinton has built her entire political career around demonizing and persecuting anyone who failed to properly worship her and/or her husband as the country’s saviors. Most of them, of course, had that little “R” beside their name when they got their pictures on the news. Coincidentally, anyone who dared criticize her or her husband seemed to be part of some vast right-wing conspiracy. To this day, she doesn’t seem to have gotten over her persecution complex. While hurtling toward the Democratic primaries, Clinton has even accused her opponents of sounding like Republicans. Sorry, Hill, wrong party. She’s also made some vague noises about her opponents “attacking” her (mind you, they haven’t been that aggressive in going after her, probably out of fear that she would turn on them and consume their souls) because she’s a woman. Sorry, lady, but that ain’t it. They don’t dislike you because you’re a woman. They dislike you because you’re a hateful bitch.

Now, granted, it may not be fair to judge someone’s personality by what you see on the television. No one has ever been truly accurately portrayed on the old toaster with pictures (For the record, the Squid doesn’t watch much of it – I prefer to read newspapers and books, which is what you television-lobotomized ambulatory vacuum tubes should be doing instead of watching more American Idol or Who Wants To Be Howie Mandell’s Fuck-Buddy For A Million Dollars?.), and it’s safe to say that we’re not getting the full story on one Hillary Clinton, Forsaken Attorney At Law. That said, while we may not be getting the entire story, this woman has been on our airwaves for a good sixteen years now, and I think we have enough information on public record to draw some conclusions about her personality.

Like her husband, Hillary’s political record is just a matter of following where the opinion polls go. Before issuing any kind of statement on what to do about a given issue, the Clintons first put out a public opinion poll to find out what the prevailing winds say, then follow the trend. Granted, Billy-Jeff managed not to screw things up too horribly using this method in his eight years in office (aside from that whole not going after Bin Laden thing – whoops). This is, of course, in opposition to the current President, who has taken the initiative to do things on his own without first asking the public for permission, and then made more than his share of foul-ups (not to say that the two go hand-in-hand, just that the current administration, while full of initiative and such, has made its share of serious mistakes). In times like this, there may just be a difference between what’s popular and what’s right. A candidate should have the brains to know the difference.

Barack or Baroque?

Then there’s Barack Obama, whose name makes me think of some exotic ingredient in an energy drink that tastes like Chuck Norris’s sweat (of course, Chuck Norris has endorsed another candidate). Obama has charisma, there’s no doubt about that, but there’s something disconcerting about his smile. Much like the now-defunct John Edwards, Obama has an empty smile and eyes that seem to say that there’s not a lot going on inside his skull. While he’s not at the level of a Dan Quayle or Al Gore village idiot, there’s something just slightly vapid about him.

Of course, all of that could be an act. After all, America has fallen for the “I’m not real bright, but I’m likable” act in the last four elections. The last two presidents we’ve had fall into that category. Whilst neither is a complete idiot, they both played up the “good ole boy” image to good effect. Not that Obama can really manage “good ole boy”, but he can at least make himself out to be that likable young used car salesman at the lot down the street, promising quality cars for quality customers.

The thing that sets Obama apart (aside from the fact that he’s only been in Congress for four years, and has therefore only gotten a bare minimum of slime and mildew on him) is his rhetoric about reform. While not necessarily a bad thing, when a candidate talks about reform, the Squid thinks of two things: hollow promises that won’t be followed through on once the suckers vote said candidate into office, and change done simply for the sake of change, screwing up what’s already running pretty well. Now, this isn’t to say that, given some time to develop his plans, Obama’s going to turn out either of those in large quantities. But ever since the turn of the century (and probably before), politicians have been using “reform” as a rallying cry to put themselves in office so they can do the exact same crap that their predecessors did.

Naturally, given this probable turn of events, it would be easy to see that the Squid would be the logical candidate because of my inherent honesty. I make no false promises. The only campaign promise I make is the demise of all mankind – no, wait, that’s not it. But I can think of something better than a generic “reform” bullet point.

Next Time: Jimmy the Squid takes on the Republican candidates, who have refused to debate him. And the Squid taunts Rush Limbaugh.

Editor’s Note: Jimmy the Squid’s political opinions as presented here are his own and do not represent the opinions of Chainsaw Buffet, Inc, Take Over the World Productions, or their employees and/or subsidiaries. – The Chef

About Jimmy the Squid

Jimmy the Squid is a mystery to even those who work at the Buffet. While he claims to be a simple disembodied tentacle, the truth is that only Gavin McLeod knows what lurks at the bottom of the Chef's soup pot (and Gavin isn't talking). Some claim that he is really an unknown horror from beyond space and time, laying in wait until the stars come right and his kind again rule the Earth. Others say he's just a piece of calamari gone bad. I miss Jimmy the Squid.Like most creatures with minimal brain function, Jimmy's interests include talk radio and CNN. He occasionally posts his ramblings here on Chainsaw Buffet, spreading wisdom and harebrained theories alike. Professing the inferiority of the barely-evolved hominids who are the dominant species on this planet, Jimmy is an outspoken proponent for the rights of Cephalopod-Americans, often organizing protests against the serving of calamari. No one really knows why Jimmy hasn't been served up for dinner by now. It's entirely possible that he holds some secrets to blackmail the Chef with.