Great Moments in Television History II

Ah, I am so sorry, but we just sold our last bottle to another couple who lacked taste buds. Please allow me to choose for you instead a wonderful look at the future of reality television. The flavor is bold and spicy, reminiscent of Pace Picante and the leavings of the Syrian kumquat bat.

With the recent writers’ strike (assuming it’s still going on as you read this), reality television has experienced something of Renaissance. It requires almost nothing in the way of actors, sets, or writers. Or maybe it requires a lot of writers, but they’re all really bad at their jobs. In any event, your humble sommelier would like to give you a sampling of three reality shows that will surely make up your next Fall lineup. And as with all reality television, these shows are high in flavor and low in entertainment value.

The first show is a dating show about a house full of beautiful women vying for the attentions of a potato who is also a millionaire. They go on dates, participate in challenges, act catty (essentially everything that women evolved to do). At the end of each episode, there’s a ceremony where the potato asks one woman to leave the house (using a catchy line like, “I’m sorry, Tatiana, but I no longer have eyes for you.�) And to ratchet up the drama, we borrow a page from The Joe Schmo Show. The truth will be that the whole show is a farce and everyone is in on it…except for the potato. He’s not even a millionaire, but he has no idea. We’ll call the show Tuber? I hardly know her or Flavor of Spud. Or we could steal a gag from Rocky and Bullwinkle and call it both.

Now, if you don’t like that show, you’ll love this one. This show will take a bohemian, polyamorous couple from New York City and transplant them to a run down, one room cabin in rural Kentucky. On top of that, they’re given a backwoods orphan baby to take care of. Most of the tension will revolve around the baby trying not to get traumatized by seeing his foster parents having orgies in the same room. It’s essentially all about culture shock and different types of people trying to get along. Also, it’s about ruining all the future relationships and emotional well being of one person. The show’s title will be Love Shack Baby.

Okay, perhaps that one is an acquired taste, but this last one has something for everyone to love…except grandma because she’s cold and emotionally distant. Anyway, the show takes place in a dance club and revolves around a group of contestants competing for a spot as one of Liza Minnelli’s backup dancers. What makes it different from all the other dancing shows is that in every episode some horrible thing will happen at the dance club and everyone will have to run to a safe room in the club. The disaster will be different every time; terrorist attack one week, flood another, robbery the next, and so forth. Once the event begins, the contestants will only have one minute to make it to the protected room. At the end of the minute, the doors close and every contestant outside the room is killed. The contestants inside the room will watch the horror on monitors inside the room. We’ll call it Panic Room at the Disco.

Of course, all of these shows are wonderful in their own right. They all conform to established reality television formulas, but really take those ideas outside the box and beat them with a rubber mallet. I think these three could be combined into a perfect Friday night lineup.

About The Sommelier

No, that's a Somalian. Lead singer for gamer rock band Axes and Alibis.