This is part two of an online debate between Jimmy the Squid and his opponents in the presidential election. However, out of fear, none of the other candidates chose to show up for the debate, so Jimmy the Squid has the floor unopposed. Part one of the debate, in which Jimmy the Squid proves he is more qualified than the Democratic candidates, can be found here.
Well, here we are again at another of Chainsaw Buffet’s online presidential debates. As none of the other candidates have shown up (no doubt due to them being biased against disembodied tentacles – the rutting speciesist human supremacists, always holding down the real minorities of normally non-sapient species), I will continue to extol my own virtues, as it were. Some people have commented that my campaign is a sham and that no reputable party would actually put up a tentacle in a soup pot as their candidate. However, let me remind you that neither of this country’s major political parties qualifies as “reputable”. The More Money For Me Party stands for the American way – rampant greed and opposition to the continued existence of the human race. Not unlike the Libertarians, but at the very least, we have a chance in Hell of winning a national election. Their odds, now, their odds are piss-poor compared to ours.
At any rate, the last time around, I pointed out the perceived flaws in my Democratic (in party, if not in practice) opponents. Now it is time for the Squid to turn his steely metaphorical eye (metaphorical because I’m just a tentacle and don’t have even one globe oculaire, as it were) upon the folks across the aisle: the Republicans. Despite repeated demonization in the the mass media and a President who’s made mistakes the size of countries, this party still has a fighting chance of winning the upcoming presidential election. Or at least it will until my own campaign starts to gain momentum – mark my words!
Ah, yes, Huckabee, the Dominionist fundawhackos’ favored candidate. Despite equating homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia (Warning: Link leads to a site run by some nutters from the other extreme of the political spectrum who are generally just as out of step with reality as the inbred jackanapes who support Huckabee.), believing that Catholics worship Satan, and wanting to make sure that no religion other than his own exists in America (note the subtle jab at Mitt Romney in his comment – Romney would no doubt protest, because as a good Mormon, he has four wives, not merely three), Huckabee has yet to make any serious in-roads into endearing himself to the American public. Perhaps this is because the average American is not a member of Fred Phelps’ church, but I wouldn’t be sure about that.
Despite this, Huckabee has been labeled by some as “not conservative enough”, by which I take to mean he has yet to actively call for burning homosexuals and Dungeons and Dragons players at the stake. That, or he hasn’t yet promised to cut all taxes to the bone. I’m not sure which.
And of course, you can’t discuss Huckabee without his celebrity spokesman/bodyguard/secret fuck-buddy. Chuck Norris, being Chuck Norris, makes a less-than-subtle entrance into the world of politics. Norris, who (like Paris Hilton and William Shatner) has yet to figure out that he has become a complete joke, apparently believes the so-called “facts” circulating about himself on the internet. The truth is, those facts were made up out of a sense of extreme irony. Huckabee gaining the endorsement of this old and broken down ultraconservative whitebread Rambo is a no-brainer (in the sense that I’m not sure Chuck Norris actually has any brains due to taking all those kicks to the head). And yet, after all these years, the American people have not figured out that a candidate being endorsed by a celebrity who knows zip about setting public policy means exactly two things: jack and shit. The same goes for Oprah’s endorsement of Barack Obama: we love you, Oprah, but you’re still too fat and you know nothing about politics.
Mitt Romney: Twenty-Three Wives and All of Them Have Headaches
Like his rival for second place, Mr. Huckabee, Romney also comes from a weird fringe Christian cult. However, in his case, it isn’t Southern Baptist and is instead Mormon. The truth is that the Squid doesn’t know a lot about Mormon theology, but looking at what I do know, I’d tend to suspect that anyone who buys what they’re selling is about three fries short of a Happy Meal.
Mr. Romney bills himself as the race’s “real conservative”, whatever that means. According to the mass media, that seems to involve cutting taxes for his rich friends, guzzling massive amounts of oil in his super-sized SUV, and selling the poor into slavery in China, all the while smoking a cigar spewing massive amounts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and laughing about it over a round of golf with Rush Limbaugh. Of course, this is the American media, which we all know to be fair and unbiased, especially where Republicans are involved.
The truth is, aside from that rhetoric and vague rumbling noises regarding getting Roe v. Wade overturned, Romney has been an empty suit. He has yet to say anything of true value that shows he understands the complexities of running a country. I don’t pretend to myself, which is why my campaign is the most honest one out there. I’m a disembodied tentacle. You don’t expect complex thought out of either a politician or a disembodied tentacle. Why not elect one instead of the other?
Of course, now that Romney’s campaign is “on hold”, he may or may not be a viable candidate in any sense of the word (I’m not so sure he’s still living…much like Donald Rumsfeld, I think Romney looks like he’s possibly a lich.). He seems to be holding out some desperate hope that when either Huckabee or McCain wins the party’s nomination, he’ll get the #2 seat (McCain out of a token attempt at being “conservative”, Huckabee out of a token attempt at showing that he’s tolerant of other religions before sending them to Hell). If God is with us (and I’m not so sure he is – otherwise, I might have the rest of my body back), then this won’t happen, because this nutter doesn’t need to be one stopped heartbeat away from the White House.
McCain: Designated Rogue
Over the years, John McCain has been granted the title of “Maverick Senator”. Seriously, it appears on the news next to his name every bloody time he’s on the picture tube. He has been officially branded (with a hot iron at that) the only person in the entire nation who does not march in lock-step with his partymates, making him a hero to everyone. At least, because he’s defying the Republican Party. If he was defying, say, the mandates set forth by the Democratic National Committee, he would be labeled a traitor to all humanity by the press. They know which side their calamari is buttered on.
Back in 2000, when McCain was actually a viable presidential candidate and gave a damn about his campaign, he was probably the best choice (of course, given that the competition included the likes of village idiot Al Gore and cowboy Bush, this was no great achievement). Way back then, he was accused of “waffling” by conservative pundits, which was a polite way of saying that he didn’t always toe the party line, occasionally had an original thought in his head, and refused to give Jerry Falwell a blow job in the mens’ bathroom. McCain, for his part, didn’t waffle, instead giving complex and well thought out answers to questions that showed he could actually look at problems from more than one narrow angle. The American public, having the collective IQ of a jug of botulism-infected prune juice (but don’t let that comment stop you from thinking I regard you, the reader, highly!), didn’t understand this, of course, and so you sent the man from Texas to the White House, where he turned out to be all hat and no trousers (unlike the previous President, who simply couldn’t keep his trousers on).
And now we have McCain in his current campaign, who has promised to make Fred Thompson the next Attorney General (well, okay, he hasn’t, but if he promised that, he would have the vote of every Law & Order fan in the country). Ironically enough, he has now adopted the very policy that the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Neil Bortz have been hounding him about for years. When asked a question, it seems that all of his intelligent and well thought out answers have evaporated. Instead, the former POW hems and haws like he’s refusing to cooperate with his interrogators and is afraid if he gives them any information he’ll get flaming bamboo stuck under his fingernails (which, yes, is a complete reversal in so very many ways).
My Fellow Pseudopod-Americans…
And so, there you have it. My opponents boiled down to a handful of paragraphs that even you, the mentally-diseased internet-inhabiting public, can understand. I hope that you will thoughtfully consider your decision when you go to cast your ballot and consider this: are any of these cretins truly more deserving of high office than a disembodied tentacle living in a soup pot at a grungy buffet?
Editor’s Note:As before, Jimmy the Squid’s opinions are his own and are not intended to represent those of the Chainsaw Buffet staff. Unfortunately, Jimmy the Squid will have to retire early from the presidential race. On our menu tonight, our special will be calamari. – The Chef