Five Immutable Truths of Indiana Jones

Nazis and Cold-War Era Russians are interchangeable

Sure, they both want to take over the world. But one group is a bunch of genocidal occultists, and the other group is a bunch of oppressive atheists.

You can pretty much shoehorn either one into the Indy plot framework, you just have to change the prize around a little bit. The Nazis want mystical power from ancient times, and the Russians want new-agey psychic mumbo-jumbo.

Well, OK, maybe they aren’t interchangeable.

Greed is bad but redeemable

When searching for an item of major archaeological importance, you should probably not be greedy. These things are usually trapped, and you’re going to die if you’re not careful. And running off to fill your pockets with gold coins is usually not considered “being careful.”

On the flip side, the heroes will, against their better judgment, rescue you time and time again, even though you should be long dead. That’s fine, because you’ll ultimately see the error of your ways. Or, at least, you’ll stop trying to double-cross everyone after the major archaeological find unleashes its scary supernatural power.

Lust for power is worse, and also makes you stupid

If you’re out for power rather than money, you’re screwed. (You’re also probably a Nazi or Communist, so you’re doubly screwed.) You need to stop now and reconsider your life.

The thing about most mystical powers granted by archaeological finds is that they come at a price. Human alchemy ain’t got nothing on these things. You’re screwing with powers far beyond those of mortals, so tread carefully.

But of course you won’t, because you’re mad with power. You’re going to try to stare directly into the proverbial sun and soak up as much of the magic as you possibly can.

And that’s why you’re going to die horribly.

Have fun getting your face melted off.

Do not screw with the Mayans

Seriously, kids. As we have learned from RahXephon, TMNT, and now Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the Mayans have power over space, time, and inter-dimensional travel. Do not f@#$ with them. They will seriously mess you up.

Actually, they’ll do worse than mess you up. They’ll take you to a time or place in which you don’t exist, and the very fabric of the universe will dismantle you. For those of you who’ve never had that happen to you, it’s freaking painful.

Also, they have that whole end-of-the-world-in-2012 thing going.

There are no spaceships in Indiana Jones

There just aren’t. I refuse to believe it.

There are no weddings in Indiana Jones

Indiana Jones is a globe-trotting archaeologist/hero. He may hook up with the female protagonist, but he doesn’t have time to settle down and st…. wait, what?