More Blasphemous Politics

As you may or may not have noticed from our friends in the national liars’ services (otherwise known to the majority of television-controlled homo sapiens as the “news”), it seems that at long last Hillary Clinton has given in and admitted that she has zero chance of being elected President this year (although she still has absolutely no idea why, because she’s still oblivious to the fact that she’s a spiteful, hate-filled bitch from Hades) and has moved on to graciously accepting a position as Barack Obama’s #2 man- er, woman (allegedly…the Squid has a little theory that Hillary may in fact be an asexual creature from Itulish III, as “she” bears a distinct resemblance to some of the things my great-uncle Cthulhu once claimed to have eaten in a story he told me back when I was just a young little tentacle). This acceptance of imminent defeat and grabbing for any job offer she can get is despite the fact that she has spent the last year or so portraying Mister Obama as nothing less than the Devil incarnate (or at the very least the Antichrist or that guy with the cape from Manos: The Hands of Fate, since George W. Bush is, to her mind, already the Devil incarnate) and an incompetent sponge who is undeserving of the job of POTUS. You know, in most professions, insulting and belittling someone is a sure way of getting them to not offer you a job. In politics, one would suppose that insults and belittling are par for the course and if you can manage both in one sentence, you get the birdie.

At any rate, one can only assume that Barack Obama may in fact not have much going on behind that vapid nice-guy smile. As I have noted before, making Ms. Clinton his running mate may in fact be hazardous to his health, a fact that he seems oblivious to. Perhaps someone should send him a run-down of what happened to poor Vince Foster when he got in Hillary’s way. That would no doubt make Mr. Obama consider a more compatible running mate, such as the Exalted Cyclops Robert Byrd. While the esteemed KKK leader may consider Obama a product of miscegenation, at the very least Mr. Byrd doesn’t have a habit of bumping off those who get in the way of his political career.

On a side note, I would like to point out that Barack Obama is, in terms of racial perceptions, sort of like the opposite of The Rock. You know, that Dwayne Johnson guy who left the world of mens’ soap operas (aka professional wrestling) to become a real honest-to-god movie actor, where he has riveted audiences with his best Dolph Lundgren impression in such profound and moving works as The Scorpion King and The Game Plan. You see, The Rock has the unique gift of looking like whatever race the viewer is. To a black audience member, The Rock appears to be black. To a white audience member, Dwayne seems to be white. A Hispanic viewer believes that Mr. He-May-Not-Act-Well-But-Can-Still-Fucking-Break-Me-In-Half Johnson looks like he’s of Hispanic descent. Same goes for Middle Eastern and almost all other ethnic groups, because everyone wants to claim The Rock as one of their own. And who wouldn’t? He may be the new millennium’s version of Steven Seagal, but The Rock is still a damned nice guy.

Anyway…where was I? Ah, yes, Mr. Obama. You see, like The Rock, Barack Obama has a variable ethnicity, but in his case it works in the opposite direction: he looks like whatever race the viewer is not. To a white voter, Obama looks like a black man (and everyone knows that a well-educated and soft-spoken black man is sure to scare the pants off of everyone in Arkansas). To a black voter, Mr. Obama would seem to be a white guy. To a Hispanic…who knows what the hell he looks like to them, but it probably wouldn’t be Latino. While I applaud Mr. Obama’s embrace of his diverse heritage, it does mean that the public has a somewhat interesting perception of him.

At any rate, I cite recent developments as evidence that my prediction regarding Ms. Clinton and her would-be rival are coming true. Mark my words – if you don’t vote for me come November, this shall come to pass!

About Jimmy the Squid

Jimmy the Squid is a mystery to even those who work at the Buffet. While he claims to be a simple disembodied tentacle, the truth is that only Gavin McLeod knows what lurks at the bottom of the Chef's soup pot (and Gavin isn't talking). Some claim that he is really an unknown horror from beyond space and time, laying in wait until the stars come right and his kind again rule the Earth. Others say he's just a piece of calamari gone bad. I miss Jimmy the Squid.Like most creatures with minimal brain function, Jimmy's interests include talk radio and CNN. He occasionally posts his ramblings here on Chainsaw Buffet, spreading wisdom and harebrained theories alike. Professing the inferiority of the barely-evolved hominids who are the dominant species on this planet, Jimmy is an outspoken proponent for the rights of Cephalopod-Americans, often organizing protests against the serving of calamari. No one really knows why Jimmy hasn't been served up for dinner by now. It's entirely possible that he holds some secrets to blackmail the Chef with.