Even More Blasphemous Politics! Now Low Sodium!

As the running of the bullshit for leadership of your pathetic little tribe nears its end, I am continually surprised at how none of the other candidates in the race are willing to debate me! Your human media continues to bury the public opinion polls showing me leading with 80% of the vote – they refuse to acknowledge that a Pseudopod-American has a chance at becoming president. What happened to “justice for all”? (Even OJ Simpson is resting comfortably in a jail cell, even if he missed out on the execution he so richly deserves!) Is discrimination still alive and well in America?

You would certainly think so, fellow Americans. On all sides, we are beset by bias and bigotry, and not just against yours truly, although I admit that as a repressed minority of PWT (People With Tentacles) I get more than my fair share of it – unlike Baroque Osama or whatever his name is, I refuse to play the race card, however. More than that, however, is a complete lack of common sense that seems to have swept the nation lately.

The first sign of the lack of common sense comes from the campaign of one John McCain. You know, the man who’s commonly known as “We Should Have Voted For Him Instead Of That Bush Bozo”. McCain, you would think, would have it easy. For years, the media has been painting his as a “maverick” Republican. His opponent is a man with no substantial experience in public service. He’s known as a war hero. He has the savvy to work with people on the other side of the political aisle. However, things have gone right into the shitter for McCain in many ways, and not all of them can be blamed on the media.

Oh, some of the blame lies with the media. Johnny Boy’s longtime friends in the media have deserted him, trotting out the DNC’s talking points about how he agrees with Bush 90% of the time (which isn’t even true). Considering that his fellow Republicans have spent the last eight years calling McCain a liberal in a Republican suit (which is sort of like a fursuit drenched in oil, or so my sources tell me), you’d think they’d stick by their man. Of course, now that he’s within spitting distance of the presidency, the media can’t allow him to succeed. No one with a little “R” beside their name deserves to be in the White House, in the opinion of the pundits, and so we get the lie that McCain will be more of the same old bullheadedness.

That said, McCain’s biggest problem is his own damn campaign. Instead of working to bring in independents (who he’s always been a big draw with), McCain seems determined to live up to the false image the media is already projecting of him. (I must admit it is possible that the human lunch meat was merely pretending to be a maverick and is just now showing his true colors, but I don’t believe that to be the case). He brought into his campaign one Sarah Palin, who is a slightly nicer version of Ann Coulter. She has no meaningful experience in government (she claims to have been governor of Alaska, but we all know that’s not really a state – it’s just a Russian colony). The only reason to bring her on board is to shore up campaign with the far-right Buchanan supporters. Frankly, shoring up support from that crowd (which is much smaller than they believe themselves to be) is useless, because it’s not like a right-wing nutbag is going to vote for Obama. The same sort of deal applies to the other side – Obama isn’t bothering to pander to former Clinton supporters, because followers of the hate-filled bitch would never vote for a Republican; since they’ve been indoctrinated to believe all Republicans are spawn of Satan, they’ll just hold their noses and vote for a man with no experience rather than applying any sort of logic to the situation.

Then there was McCain’s response to the recent meltdown in your pathetic human economy (while we’re on the topic, I believe we should switch to an economy based on the trade of human flesh – that’s a plan every Donner in the country can get behind)…he stopped campaigning. Of course, he didn’t really stop campaigning. His trip to Washington and putting his campaign “on hold” was really nothing more than a ploy to make the less-than-esteemed Mr. Obama appear to put himself ahead of his country. Granted, Obama does seem to put himself ahead of the country (he certainly has more than a little ego about him), but most of the American public saw McCain’s trip to the Kremlin as nothing more than what it was: a crass political stunt. Hence, McCain quickly and quietly resumed his campaign and said he would debate Obama after all. He should have gone into the debate with clean hands and trounced his opponent solely on the issues, but he had to be a bonehead about things.

And now, unbelievably, McCain has taken a page from the extreme right, toned it down a bit to make it plausible to the masses, and turned it into a campaign talking point. Yes, I’m talking about the infamous “ties to terrorism” nonsense that Palin (who, yes, is hot, but she’s dumber than a bag of rocks – for once, the mocking portrayals on SNL are actually fucking smarter than the candidate) is spouting this week. It’s blazingly obvious that it’s not true or even plausible, and unless the American public is even more stupid than I’m giving them credit for, they’re going to see right through it.

Yes, that’s right. Instead of hammering Obama, who has no experience and no coherent plans, and precious few details as to what the hell he’s going to do about the economy, the energy crisis, or foreign policy beyond the stock “The government must help the proletariat!” rhetoric the DNC contractually requires of its candidates, on the issues, John McCain’s campaign has chosen to fight stupid with stupid. It’s like a bad movie, one by Oliver Stone or Michael Moore that attempts to convince you of a political point but just convinces you the filmmaker is a complete idiot with no grasp on reality.

(Speaking of which, I firmly believe that Oliver Stone should be executed as a traitor. Not for trying to influence the election with his fallacy-riddled mockumentary, but because his movies suck. Seriously, does anyone watch them? Why does he keep getting work?)

That, good people, is why you should vote for me! I promise only one thing – the swift end of all humanity. Wouldn’t that be better than what either of these bozos are packing?

Jimmy the Squid For President!

About Jimmy the Squid

Jimmy the Squid is a mystery to even those who work at the Buffet. While he claims to be a simple disembodied tentacle, the truth is that only Gavin McLeod knows what lurks at the bottom of the Chef's soup pot (and Gavin isn't talking). Some claim that he is really an unknown horror from beyond space and time, laying in wait until the stars come right and his kind again rule the Earth. Others say he's just a piece of calamari gone bad. I miss Jimmy the Squid.Like most creatures with minimal brain function, Jimmy's interests include talk radio and CNN. He occasionally posts his ramblings here on Chainsaw Buffet, spreading wisdom and harebrained theories alike. Professing the inferiority of the barely-evolved hominids who are the dominant species on this planet, Jimmy is an outspoken proponent for the rights of Cephalopod-Americans, often organizing protests against the serving of calamari. No one really knows why Jimmy hasn't been served up for dinner by now. It's entirely possible that he holds some secrets to blackmail the Chef with.