Dear Retail Industry

Dear Retail Industry,

You may not realize this, but there’s a whole other holiday before we get to the Christmas season.

Yes, yes, I know that you can’t turn Thanksgiving into the orgy of materialistic advertising that you’ve made Christmas. And yes, I know the recession means you’re going through some tough times right now. But seriously, there’s a limit.

See, I was standing in Wal-Mart on Saturday–the first day in November–and I was listening to the muzak version of “Sleigh Ride” playing over the PA system. It’s hard to describe just how freaking unnatural that is.

It’s not just that I was there to buy supplies for a Halloween party.

OK, scratch that. That’s actually a huge issue right there–I mean, Halloween candy had just gone on clearance. You can’t ignore how jarring that is. Walking into Walmart on the day after Halloween is like jumping two months into the future. I halfway expected Christopher Lloyd to leap out from behind the doors and babble about flux capacitors or paradoxes or alternate timelines or something.

But anyway, that’s it’s not just that.

I’m standing there, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, perfectly comfortable. That’s not a subtle environmental message, either. And I don’t live in Australia. I’m just saying, let’s get through fall first, and then we’ll talk about what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. (Especially in mid-east Tennessee, where it never freaking snows.)

Anyway, I guess what I’m really trying to get at is, if you could do something about this whole Christmas-a-month-too-early thing, that would be just peachy.

Thanks. You’re a pal.

Your friend,
The Maitre d’