Going Back To The 90’s Is Not “Change”

I have kept my silence for nearly a month after America repudiated my campaign at the polls. For some reason, the public either did not hear or did not understand my platform centering on important issues such as the annihilation of all humanity (as I have stated many times on the campaign trail, I am overwhelmingly in favor of it, and were I elected instead of the potted meat in a suit your public picked, I would have immediately pushed legislation through Congress to make my dream a reality). I blame the media, my running mate (Pauly Shore never was known for being great on the stump, but he did especially terribly as a VP candidate), my advisers, Julio Iglesias and Howard “Primal Scream” Dean, but above all I blame you, the television-brainwashed American public. That’s right, I blame you (or at least unless you would be willing to vote for me in a recall election to remove your future President from office before he takes it). You have, sad to say, gotten exactly the President you deserve: an airhead who promised change and is now bringing to the table in January more of the same old slime-infested bullshit. In short, it’s a trip back in time (minus Doc Brown’s snazzy flying DeLorean) to the heady days of the 1990s.

Now, let me go on record as admitting that the Klinton regime was in fact happier times than we have now. However, those happier times were entirely unrelated to anything that Bill the Intern Boffer did. The economy was going well (although our current troubles did start during the last few months of Bill the First’s rule, contrary to the media’s “This is All Bush’s Fault” rhetoric), we were too stupid as yet to realize the true threat of terrorism, and for the most part the right-wing nutbags were kept busy probing into Big Bubba Billy’s personal affairs instead of annoying the American public. The none-too-bright saxophone-playing frat boy just sat back and let the good times roll and knew enough to not screw anything up too horribly (although that whole “not going after Bin Laden” thing came back and bit the entire country on the proverbial ass).

While Baroque Osama or whatever his name is (and yes, I do know his real name; I just enjoy imitating the brain-dead KKK sheet-wearing troglodytes who still fervently and falsely believe the man is a Muslim – the Squid is determined to mock both sides relentlessly and mercilessly until my coronation as Emperor of this wasted land) promised a spirit of cooperation and change, he has loaded his cabinet with people whose only previous political actions have been to rampantly oppose any sort of agreement or in fact doing much of anything at all.

Case in point: The Hate-Fueled Bitch. You might know her by the name “Hillary Clinton”, who inspires a terror in everyone second only to Great Cthulhu himself. What would cause a presumably sane and rational human being to place a person who has shown him nothing but scorn, disdain, and bile into a position with his administration is beyond my understanding (and considering that I speak non-Euclidean geometry, that is saying something). Putting her into Obama’s cabinet is like George Bush hiring Dan Rather to write his biography. As for why the Hate-Fueled Bitch accepted the post, that much should be obvious: she wants as much power as possible, and will pretend to be nice to anyone who offers here a position higher than the one she’s in (unless they’re a Republican).

The rest of our future El Presidente’s cabinet picks are similar. Most of them are the same bunch from the Clinton administration, all champing at the bit to retake their offices.

Now, to be fair, none of this comes as any surprise to yours truly, or indeed to anyone with half a brain and an ounce of objectivity. After all, Obama chose as his running mate one Joe Bob Jim Boy Biden, as big a Washington insider as is humanly possible without having his head buried inside the Lincoln Memorial’s asshole. The man has been in DC so long that he is covered in slime, mold, and mildew. To the Obama campaign, this represents “experience”.

Now, I know I’m drawing some broad conclusions and as usual the Squid is pretty light on specifics (a fault I do point out in others when I can). But take a good close look at news stories relating to our impending Imperious Leader’s picks for the people who actually run the country. It’s all in there. Besides, others have said it better than I could.

The real question is this: during the campaign, was Obama telling the truth as he saw it and merely fell for his own campaign rhetoric and is now standing by as his handlers/advisers fill positions with people he doesn’t like, or did he prattle on about “change”, knowing full well that he would end up with the same bunch of folks the Clintons’ little junta had brought in sixteen years before?

I guess what I’m really trying to say is this: BARACK OBAMA FUCKING LIED TO YOU, YOU STUPID TWO-LEGGED SHEEP! He promised a “change” that will never come. And you, you fell for it. So fuck you, America. You’re getting what you deserve.

About Jimmy the Squid

Jimmy the Squid is a mystery to even those who work at the Buffet. While he claims to be a simple disembodied tentacle, the truth is that only Gavin McLeod knows what lurks at the bottom of the Chef's soup pot (and Gavin isn't talking). Some claim that he is really an unknown horror from beyond space and time, laying in wait until the stars come right and his kind again rule the Earth. Others say he's just a piece of calamari gone bad. I miss Jimmy the Squid.Like most creatures with minimal brain function, Jimmy's interests include talk radio and CNN. He occasionally posts his ramblings here on Chainsaw Buffet, spreading wisdom and harebrained theories alike. Professing the inferiority of the barely-evolved hominids who are the dominant species on this planet, Jimmy is an outspoken proponent for the rights of Cephalopod-Americans, often organizing protests against the serving of calamari. No one really knows why Jimmy hasn't been served up for dinner by now. It's entirely possible that he holds some secrets to blackmail the Chef with.