7:30: It’s the time we’ve all been waiting for: The Passing for Left 4 Dead 2 hits Xbox Live! Oh, hey, look- the NFL draft is on!
7:32: Geoffrey kicks of the conversation with the following exchange:
Geoffrey: “Why did they start doing this on Thursday night instead of Saturday and Sunday?”
Me: “Ratings, i.e., more money.”
Also, I suppose if you’re Mark Cuban, it’s just to spite the NBA as a show of arrogance. I mean, it’s not like the NFL is killing the NBA in terms of ratings. Oh, wait …
7:38: And with the first pick … Jonathon Crompton! Just kidding. It’s Sam Bradford. The best thing I can say about this pick is that the Rams didn’t use the entire ten minutes. This shit is in primetime. It’s not like you haven’t had this pick planned out for weeks, just get it done already! Sam Bradford and his held-together-by-cheap-off-brand-clear-tape shoulder must be very happy.
7:40: Mel Kiper is evaluating the first pick. I’m surprised Todd McShay isn’t on ESPN 3 right now giving his own analysis. I’m sure he’s filing the serial numbers off the pistol instead.
Geoffrey: “I think the Lions are gonna draft Eric Berry number two.”
Me: “I hope not … for Eric Berry’s sake.”
7:44: Let’s see whose career the Lions fuck up … it’s Ndamukong Suh! Oh well, Ndam, enjoy Detroit. The only thing I can say about it is that it isn’t Nebraska. I’m not even saying it’s a good thing- it’s just the only thing I can say about it.
7:46: Steve Young is talking about Suh’s prospects as a pass rusher. Considering it’s a neck-and-neck race between him and Eric Lindross to see who gets a devastating mentail illness first, he may as well use those insights while he can still form cogent sentences. I love you, Steve.
7:47: The first commercial break, and this year they have a female disembodied voice asking rhetorical questions like “Who will the Bucs pick? Will it be Gerald McCoy? Will they ever have a throwback game wearing those creamcicle-colored jerseys?”
Sports commercial breaks have to be the most annoying. You get to see the same handful of advertisers over and over, and the commercials are all terrible. Under Armour is particularly wretched. “I WILL, I WILL, I WILL … NOT GIVE A SHIT!”
7:50: John Gruden and Steve Young both make fun of the Bucs for getting rid of them. Of course, Steve Young went on to be a part of four Super Bowl teams. Chucky … is a broadcaster. Who’s laughing now!? Oh … what’s that? The Bucs suck again? Oh yeah …
And they’ve drafted Gerald McCoy. Well, Gerald, look at it this way: Florida’s hella nice (except for the hurricanes and the distinct possiblity that some or all of it will fall into the ocean someday).
Aww, Suzy Kolber just told a nice story about how McCoy is dedicating tonight to his late mother. Now bring out Joe Namath!!
7:58: The Redskins pick Trent Williams. As an offensive tackle, this pick is relatively conservative. Mike Shannahan must have Dan Snyder strapped to a chair. Also, Oklahoma has players who consitiute three of the first four picks. Well, Coach Stoops, enjoy mediocrity next season.
8:05: ESPN is showing Eric Berry, who just said “I’m gonna be a Chief!” Listen, Eric, don’t get so excited. You’re going to be a KANSAS CITY Chief, not Master Chief. A great pick by KC, to be honest. Too bad he won’t make a difference on their offensive line. At least Eric can look forward to catching a few passes from JaMarcus Russell.
What’s that? Yes, I know JaMarcus Russell plays for the Raiders. Allegedly.
Come to think of it, I now demand that ESPN referrs to him as “Alleged Quarterback JaMarcus Russell”.
8:15: Seattle picks Russell Okung, the second offensive tackle taken already. I generally love the moves Seattle has made this off-season, especially bringing in Pete Carroll.
Oh, did I mention I’m a hardcore 49ers fan? Okay, good.
8:20: Oh look, it’s Todd McShay. Good idea showing up on an exact replica of ESPN’s set in Bristol. It’s a perfect alibi.
8:22: Cleveland picked Joe Haden, the cornerback from Florida. This seems like a weird pick, considering that they have Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme at quarterback. Oh well, it’s Cleveland.
8:28: Speaking of weird picks, the Raiders pick Rolando McClain. It’s the Raiders, so make up your own sarcastic comments. Should be easy, right?
8:31: The Bills sprint to the podium to take C.J. Spiller, the much ballyhooed running back from Clemson. Well, that confirms my suspicion that he was overrated by playing in the ACC. Yes, I know he hasn’t played a pro game yet, but it’s the Bills, so I’m sure they’ll figure out a way to fuck it up.
8:38: The Jaguars pick Tyson Alualu, to a cascade of boos. Apparently, Mel Kiper thinks it was a bit of a stretch. I’m expecting Denver to sprint to the podium and yell “suckers!” .
WHAAAAA!? My beloved Niners traded up to the 11th pick for their 13th. Apparently, my team gets to be the one to mock Jacksonville. I’m terribly excited.
8:43: Well, they leap-frogged Miami to take Anthony Davis, an offensive tackle. To be honest, they needed it. Alex Smith has enough problems without having to constantly run for his life. Like the fact that he would be willing to trade shoulders with Sam Bradford.
8:45: Miami traded their pick to San Diego. I guess Coach Singletary and company made the right move, since this seems to be a “Fuck it, they just took our guy” trade.
8:50: The Chargers pick Ryan Matthews, a running back I had never heard of until 15 seconds ago. He might end up being very good for all I know, but I also know that running backs practically grow on trees, so I don’t know that trading up for a guy who, in a best case scenario, give you seven or eight good years, was the best idea.
8:52: You know that 13th pick that San Francicso swapped for Denver’s 11th pick? Well, they traded that pick to the Eagles. I wonder if Josh McDaniels is trying to trade away all his picks just so that people won’t catch on that he sucks at evaluating talent. “Kyle Orton for Jay Cutler? Sold!” “Brandon Marshall for a ham sandwich and a 5th round pick? Sounds delicious!”
8:57: Philadelphia picks Brandon Graham, a defensive tackle, after the ESPN Draft Day Crew spent five minutes saying how they had to pick a safety.
Geoffrey: “That’s not a safety.”
9:05: Seattle’s back with their second pick, being the first team to take all 10 minutes to make a pick. Come on, Pete, drop another stink bomb, I know you can. Ooh, Earl Thomas.
Geoffrey: “Now that’s a safety.”
9:07: My guess for who the Giants will draft at number 15: Dez Bryant.
My secondary prediction: He will shoot himself in the leg in a New York nightclub.
What, too soon?
9:13: The New York (football) Giants take Jason Pierre-Paul. Well, my prediction was wrong, but so is theirs if they think anyone with a French-sounding last name can play defensive end. Damn frogs.
9:20: Tennessee pick Derrick Morgan. Honestly, I was hoping that they would pick Jimmy “I look like I have Down Syndrome” Clausen so that the Niners wouldn’t be tempted to take him with the next pick.
Maybe they’ll pass on him and take a corner …
9:25: San Francisco picks Mike Iupati. I know their offensive line sucks, but I was really hoping they’d take a cornerback here. Still, I’m relieved, as illustrated by the following exchange:
Geoffrey: “Well, at least they didn’t take Corky (my new nickname for Jimmy Clausen).”
9:28: A kid gets to come up to make the pick for Pittsburgh. Maurkice Pouncey. If my last name were Pouncey, I’d have it legally changed to “Bouncy Pouncy Flouncy Trouncey Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun”.
9:30: Geoffrey’s getting excited about Atlanta’s pick at 19. His prediction: Shawn Weatherspoon, a linebacker from Missouri. I frankly have no idea who he is or why Geoffrey thinks this, but he would know better than I would.
9:32: The Falcons pick … Shawn Weatherspoon! Well, he’s 1-1 with his predictions. Look out, world, here comes the next Todd McShay! (Rest in peace, Mel.)
9:37: Houston picked Kareem Jackson, a 5’10” corner. Pro tip: He’s only 5’10”. Throw it over his fucking head!
9:40: ESPN cuts to Tim Tebow’s house, where one of his friends is wearing the exact same shirt he is.
Geoffrey: “Hey, look, Tim Tebow’s gay lover is wearing the same shirt he is.”
9:41: The Bengals picked Jermaine Gresham. Another Oklahoma player. Bob Stoops just poured another glass of whiskey.
9:42: The Patriots traded the 22nd pick to the “We want to trade picks just to get our name called a whole bunch” Broncos. If you had the over in the “Number of times the Broncos trade their pick in the first round” betting pool, congratulations.
9:46: Denver actually made a pick! Demaryius Thomas, a wide receiver.
Dear Coach McDaniels,
No matter how many receivers you draft, Kyle Orton still sucks.
9:51: Green Bay picks Bryan Bulaga. Yet another offensive lineman taken in the first round. Bulaga’s from Iowa, so at least he’s used to it being too-damn-cold 10 months out of the year.
10:00: Dallas traded for the pick that New England got from the Denver trade to take troubled wide receiver Dez Bryant, who got into trouble with the NCAA with talking to former-Cowboy Deion Sanders. Suspicious, no? Oh well, Dez- you may have lost a few million dollars with your questionable off-field behavior, but at least now you have great crack connections!
10:01: The Dallas Cowboys can go die in a fire. That is all.
10:03: They randomly dragged a bunch of armed service personnel out onto the stage to chants of “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Since when did they swap Veterans’ Day with Earth Day?
10:08: Denver is on the clock again and they’re taking … Tim Tebow!?
Dear Coach McDaniels,
I know I said Kyle Orton sucks, but seriously- Tim Tebow!?!?!? You could have even had Corky!
You know what? Go nuts, Coach. I’m glad San Francisco has Mike “I Want Winners” Singletary instead of you.
10:17: Arizona’s on the clock, and apparently Kurt Warner was the Cardinals’ air freshener: after he left, everyone could smell the stink, and a bunch of people decided to get out. My guess is that they’re gonna go after Corky, paving the way for Matt Leinart to get traded to Seattle. Just because you know Pete Carroll wants to.
Okay, 0-2. They pick Dan Williams, a defensive tackle from our home state of Tennessee. Did I mention that our football team sucked every year he played?
Oh, okay then …
10:23: After numerous trades, the Patriots finally make a pick. Devin McCourty, a cornerback. A typical Belechick pick: boring and safe. I take that back. Belechick couldn’t have made the pick, since he’s busy setting up spy cameras in the new stadium for the Giants/Jets. Allegedly.
10:30: The Dolphins pick Jared Odrick, yet another first-round defensive tackle. Do you guys think you could pick someone that wasn’t a “Well, if he sucks, no one will remember it anyway” pick?
Oh well, it was worth a shot.
10:37: The New York Jets pick Kyle Wilson, the corner from Boise State I wanted San Francisco to pick earlier. Oh well, I’ll just have to live with the fact that we picked two people whose names I won’t be able to remember before, during, or after their playing career in the NFL.
10:44: Minnesota just traded the 30th pick to … Detroit? Apparently they’re going to pick running back Jahvid Best. Sorry buddy- your career’s over before it even started. But at least your team gets to play on Thanksgiving!
10:51: We come back from commercial to catch John Gruden saying “dumbass”. This is why I watch the draft.
10:54: The Colts pick Jerry Hughes. Guess what position he plays: Defensive end! Corky and Colt “Insert Nickname Here” McCoy are looking like they’re gonna end up missing out on being drafted tonight. Sadly, this means that the Niners taking someone who looks like he killed kittens as a child is still in play.
While we’re waiting for the Saints to make the last pick of the night, a quick (and true) story:
My sister-in-law went to the University of Tennessee at the same time that Jimmy Clausen’s brother, Casey, was the starting quarterback for UT. She told my wife that he was “Dumb, even for a football player”. Gotta love that pedigree, right?
10:58: Another true story:
One of my earliest ideas for a Chainsaw Buffet article series was “If I Had A Death Note”, which would be a series about celebrities I would kill if I had a Death Note, and how they would die. My first article would be about Peyton Manning. It involved Tee Martin driving onto the field in Indianapolis in an SUV, running over Manning, then stepping out of the vehicle, walking over to his corpse and flashing his National Championship ring in front of what was left of Manning’s face and yelling “Fuck yeah! I know how to get the job DONE, mother fucker!”
11:03: The commish walks out with Drew Brees to make the Saints’ pick. They take Patrick Robinson, a corner from Florida State.
Aaand … we’re done!
In case you’re wondering, I will not do this for the other rounds. This is all you’re getting, because I still have lots of work to do for MTAC next week, when we’ll (hopefully) be unveiling a few first-round picks of our own!