It’s that time again, folks. The time where we give large sums of money to unproven student athletes of often shady character who will likely never do anything of lasting significance.
It’s the 2011 NFL Draft!!
As usual, I’m joined by Geoffrey, who will be bringing his unique set of talents to the party.
So, let’s get this thing started, shall we?
8:00: Chris Berman talks us in, sounding excited about what might be the most boring event that a sports fan watches religiously each year. He’s joined by John Gruden and Mel “Is Todd McShay right behind me?” Kiper. Frankly, I’m disappointed that Steve Young isn’t around. Then again, I’ve been saying that for over a decade now (rimshot).
8:03: They cut to ($)Cam Newton, who has that “Damn right, I’m gettin’ paid” look he’s had ever since he started at Auburn. Of course, it was his dad that was getting paid (and later admitted to it), and there’s no way that ($)Cam new anything about it. Just like I don’t know anything about the hentai in the flower-covered box my wife keeps next to our bed.
8:04: Roger Goodell walks to the podium, looking like he’s been fed his own ass on a ciabatta by a federal judge. Oh wait …
8:06: Carolina picks ($)Cam Newton with the first pick, while the other 31 teams celebrate the fact that the players they actually want are still on the board. I’m calling this now: This will be the worst #1 overall pick since the Raiders picked alleged quarterback JaMarcus Russell.
Fun fact: During MTAC, I had ESPN on while John Gruden was interviewing ($)Cam Newton, who refused to look Chucky in the eyes at any point. This drove Charlie to start yelling at the TV in vein “LOOK IN HIS EYES WHILE HE’S TALKING TO YOU!!!” Not the best of first impressions.
8:13: The Denver Broncos pick Von Miller. If Josh McDaniels were still around, he would have traded down, just because he didn’t know who to pick. God, I miss that guy …
8:18: Nothing says “We really get it” like using a Collective Soul song from the 90’s in your commercials. Well played, GMC.
8:20: The Buffalo Bills pick Marcell Dareus out of Alabama. I’m trying desperately to find something witty to say here, and failing.
Oh, I know – It’s Buffalo. Enjoy being miserable on and off the field, Marcell.
8:22: Nikki said something mildly racist about Dareus’ large posterior. That is all.
8:24: The Cincinnati Bengals pick A.J. Green, a wide receiver considered to be one of the best overall players in the draft. Too bad Carson Palmer would rather retire than play for the Bengals. Oh well, maybe his brother will step up …
8:30: The Arizona Cardinals pick Patrick Peterson, a cornerback from LSU. Don’t get me wrong, this is an excellent pick. Except, you know, that doesn’t change the fact that they still have Derek “That’s Fine” Anderson at quarterback. Long live the Derek Anderson era in Arizona!!
8:37: The Atlanta Falcons trade up to the #6 spot to take Julio Jones. As a Falcons fan, Geoffrey’s official comment is: “I was hoping for A.J. Green, but I’ll settle for Julio Jones.” High praise, indeed.
With that, my beloved 49ers are on the clock. It’s the first major event of the post-“I Want Winners” era. Will Jim Harbaugh bring his “Captain Comeback” persona to this once-great franchise? I can only hope. At this point, I’ve called Blaine Gabbert as the pick, mostly because I want an option besides Alex Smith (who conventional wisdom says will be re-signed to a one-year contract once NFL business resumes) or David Carr at quarterback.
8:42: The San Francisco 49ers pick Aldon Smith, a defensive end. Looks like we’ve got at least one more year of Alex “Dammit, you’re taking years off of my life here” Smith. My theory: Jim Harbaugh is tanking the 2011 season so he can pick Andrew Luck, who he coached at Stanford.
8:45: The Tennessee Titans pick Jake Locker out of Washington. This is what you might call a surprise, since Locker was largely considered a late 1st or early 2nd round pick and Gabbert was supposed to go in the last pick. But hey, maybe Gabbert becomes the next Aaron Rodgers. Now excuse me while I go drink some paint thinner to try and erase that memory from my brain …
8:48: John Gruden just referred to himself as a “Locker Stalker”. I pray to God that this catches on …
8:55: The Dallas Cowboys pick Tyron Smith, an offensive lineman from USC. Shout out to Lane “Violation” Kiffin. Knoxville misses you, or so I’ve heard.
By the way, I think it’s an interesting development to see Goodell get booed every time he steps up to the podium. I guess folks are pissed that millionaires are in a squabble with billionaires to see who gets the lion’s share of the league’s $9,000,000,000.00 revenue. My solution? Give all $9,000,000,000.00 to the relief funds for Japan. (Remember to donate!)
8:58: Geoffrey theorizes that the Redskins will pick Gabbert with the next pick. My guess is that, regardless of who they pick, that player will end up being terrible.
Just as I say that, they trade the pick to Jacksonville. I mean, why draft a quarterback when you can pick one up in free agency, then bench him for Rex Grossman late in the season?
9:02: Jacksonville picks Blaine Gabbert, which seems odd since they already have a decent (though not great) quarterback in David Garrard. Geoffrey wants credit for calling the pick, but I’m reticent to give him any credit, since he was saying that Washington was going to take Gabbert. Oh well. I’ll leave it to you, the reader, to decide.
9:09: The Houston Texans pick J.J. Watt, a defensive end from Wisconsin. You know, because any time you have a crappy secondary and an opportunity to take a defensive lineman instead of a cornerback, you have to do it.
9:17: The Vikings, who tried desperately to trade down from the pick, take Christian Ponder, who I think I might have heard mentioned twice in the weeks leading up to the draft. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t take much to turn around and hand the ball to Adrian Peterson, does it, Brett?
9:21: The Detroit Lions pick Nick Fairley, a defensive tackle from Auburn who until recently was very high on a lot of draft boards. On a related note, I’ve entered some sort of bizarro dimension where the Lions make good draft picks.
9:29: The St. Louis Rams pick Robert Quinn, who didn’t play a single down of college football last year since he was suspended, along with numerous other North Carolina players.
9:35: I just realized that any pick that the Dolphins make can be justified by saying “They can use him in the Wildcat!” Despite that, they pick Mike “Bouncy, Trouncy, Flouncy” Pouncey (Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun). His twin brother started for the Steelers last year in his rookie year, so I assume this guy is generally as good. Come to think of it, maybe they could switch out with one another as part of some sort of elaborate gambling scheme. Unless, you know, he has different tattoos than his brother (which is what brought down the Canseco brothers when they tried a similar bait-and-switch a few weeks ago).
9:43: The Redskins finally use a draft pick to take Ryan Kerrigan from Purdue. My previous statement about him being terrible still stands.
9:49: The Patriots pick Nate Solder, an offensive lineman from Colorado. This pick is shocking not because it’s a reach, but because the Patriots actually used their first pick in the draft rather than trading it. If I were an NFL head coach, my #1 rule on draft day would be to never answer any calls from the New England Patriots. They’re the used car salesmen of draft picks.
9:55: The San Diego (Super)Chargers pick Corey Liuget, a defensive lineman from Illinois. You know what I just realized, even for a professional draft, this year’s draft is dreadfully boring. Maybe it’s the fact that the lockout is preventing teams from including players in trade packages for draft picks, or that the draft class this year is particularly shitty, but there’s been absolutely nothing interesting to say about the last half-dozen picks.
10:03: Can we stop referring to the New York Giants as the New York “football” Giants? The “baseball” Giants have been in San Francisco long enough that I’m pretty sure no one would get confused by them any longer. On a related note, they drafted cornerback Prince Amukamara. I think he might be one of those princes I got an e-mail from a while back …
10:11: It looks like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to pick Adrian Clayborn, yet another defensive lineman. You know who (allegedly) knows how to liven up a party in New York? Plaxico Burress. Maybe he could shoot Roger Goodell in the leg – then everyone wins!
10:14: Clayborn is being interviewed by Suzy Kolber, which prompts Geoffrey to call out, “Kiss her!” Ah, Joe Namath jokes never get old …
10:17: Kansas City trades their pick to Cleveland. I suppose this counts as excitement, except for the fact that they already have their “quarterback of the future” in Colt McCoy, and there’s really no one else at another position that would make for an interesting pick. Maybe they’ll draft Ryan Leaf just for yucks.
10:21: Newly crowned Madden cover-boy (and soon-to-be surgery patient) Peyton Hillis comes to the podium to announce that (wait for it) defensive lineman Phil Taylor is the pick. Maybe he can help take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
10:26: The Colts pick Anthony Castonzo, shaking things up a bit by taking a lineman on the offensive side of the ball. Can I just go ahead and officially call this the worst draft for skill position players in history?
10:31: The commissioner is joined by various members of the armed forces, marking the first time that Goodell isn’t booed as he walked to the podium. With chants of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” and Lee Greenwood blaring in the background, the Eagles pick … Danny Watkins, another f$%king offensive lineman. Through 23 picks, 14 of them have been offensive or defensive linemen. 15 if you count Von Miller, who might line up near the other offensive linemen in a 3-4 defense and is primarily a pass rusher. No wonder we haven’t seen Todd McShay this evening …
10:42: The Saints pick Cameron Jordan. Now, naturally, he’s a lineman, but if you said he’s a defensive lineman, good for you. I’m starting to believe this is a league-wide conspiracy to artificially lower rookie salaries. “Listen buddy, I don’t care how good of a running back you are, you were drafter behind 15 other linemen! You’re getting a $500,000.00 salary, and you’re going to be happy about it!”
10:50: After some suspense about Seattle possibly trading the pick, the Seahawks continue to make Pete Carroll look good by picking … another offensive lineman. This one is named James Carpenter. What’s weird, is that I thought the fat fan they showed in the Seahawks jersey was the actual guy they picked. That’s just how awful this night has been.
11:00: The clock runs out on the Ravens, who seem flummoxed as to what offensive or defensive lineman to pick. You know it’s a terrible draft when your team doesn’t even know who to pick when your turn comes up in the first round.
11:03: Kansas City may or may not have made a pick, and Baltimore may or may not have made a pick immediately afterwards, which means that New England may or may not be back on the clock. Seriously. Even the commentators don’t know what the hell’s going on anymore.
11:04: Kansas City’s pick is Jon Baldwin, the first skill position player taken in thirteen picks. He’s a wide receiver, in case you’re wondering. And no, I’d never heard of him before now, either.
11:06: Apparently, the Ravens had a deal in place with Chicago, but for some reason, it didn’t get turned in. Yep. Somebody’s getting fired.
So, rather than trading the pick, the Ravens pick Jimmy Smith, a cornerback from Colorado. That’s two consecutive skill position players taken. Get hype!!
11:13: The Patriots pull the trigger on their first draft trade, trading the 28th pick to New Orleans, who take former Heisman winner Mark Ingram. Because, you know, whenever you have the opportunity to take the 2009 Heisman Trophy winner in the 2011 draft, you have to do it.
11:20: With all these skill position players flying off the board, the Bears come in and draft Gabe Carimi, an offensive tackle, to calm things down a bit. Thank God, too, because I was getting a shooting pain in my left arm …
11:25: The New York Foot Fetishists, er, I mean the Jets pick Muhammad Wilkerson, a defensive tackle. John Gruden, save this thing and make a Rex Ryan joke, please?
11:27: Not wasting any time, the Steelers pick defensive end Cameron Heyward. Why are you still reading this? Hell, why am I still writing this?
11:35: It’s time for the Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers to finally put me out of my misery and make the last pick of the first round. Naturally, they decide to go out on a high note by drafting Derek Sherrod, who is, of course, an offensive tackle.
Did I mention that Geoffrey went to bed an hour ago? Good times.
Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll ever write another one of these, since it forces me to sit through an entirely unwatchable evening of television, but I promise you, I definitely won’t be writing another one of these sober. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t even drink!
Anyway, you’re on your own for the remaining rounds. My advice: go hit Hulu or something. You can thank me later.