Occupy Anonymous Street Instead

I see from the daily propaganda that the "Occupy Wall Street" movement has unfortunately not been cleaned up by the janitors of your society. It is reassuring to know that instead of doing things like voting or running for office or actions that can actually change the state of your benighted nation, you primitive hominids instead decide to post on Twitter and block people from entering buildings. I say it is reassuring because it will only help me to ascend to a position of political power and destroy your nation from within (But do not think I do not value your votes! Remember – vote for Jimmy in 2012, human lunch meat!), but there are other reasons as well.

In the first place, dear ill-informed reader, you must remember that these protestors have proven that you can have a movement without clearly-defined goals, a definite enemy, or any sort of organization at all. Instead, you can have a political/social/religious movement based solely on a Twitter hashtag and disrupting people’s lives. Your gang of refugees from a Phish concert wanders around aimlessly, flailing and lashing out at anyone who tries to "oppress" them (meaning, police who are trying to do their fucking jobs and make sure everyone else can go about their business without some smelly hipster waving a sign in their face about the evils of capitalism while blogging about it on his iPhone).

This is not some blighted Third-World hellhole run by a madman of a dictator or a gang of theocratic thugs, like Iran, Libya, or Texas. This is the United States of  America in the year 2011. Through no fault of my own, you primitive hominids still have the right to elect your own leadership and to run for office yourselves if you choose to do so (this is, of course, the first item on my agenda to remove). In the 1960s, back when you man-ape-creatures oppressed each other based on differences in skin pigmentation (a time I always look back on with fondness, to see the needless cruelty you inflicted on each other), you formed protests because there was no other recourse. Oh, how you primitive hominids have advanced! Now, even with legitimate avenues of political expression available to you, you decide that social media and rioting in the streets are the way to change things.

"But," some hipster with a soul patch and a Che Guevara shirt protests to me, "we can’t vote, becuase the Big Evil Corporations run both parties!" Well, sir hipster, in the first place, old Che didn’t stand for what you think he stood for. I knew Che Guevara, and you, sir, are no Che Guevara. In the second place, selectively-shaven ape-creature, you hold in your hand the very tool that negates your argument. If you use social media on your digital device sold by a certain unnammed company that uses a fruit as its logo (and which, ironically enough, is part of the Evil Capitalist System you are walking the streets of New York in protest against), then you can use that to, oh, I don’t know, organize a campaign. You and your kind have claimed all along that social media like Twitter and MyFacePedophileSpaceBook have been a major force behind the uprising in Libya, Iran, and Lower Goatass (despite, you know, the little fact that a very small percentage of the population there actually uses those or has internet access). How about you put that supposed power to use in acting through legitimate channels instead of marching in the streets like the half-literate apes you are?

While we’re at it, try to wrap your underdeveloped ape brain around this conundrum: how do you think the bankers and other people you’re protesting on Wall Street feel about this? You, with your thrift-store clothes that you bought specifically to craft an air of showing how much you don’t care, would probably say that The Man doesn’t like it. Tell me, good hipster sir, how is it then that two weeks into your protests, you’re still here? The police, against common sense and good judgment, haven’t made serious efforts to remove your people. If the Big Evil Capitalists you’re so fond of demeaning really had the kind of clout you ascribe to them, wouldn’t you have just disappeared to Gitmo by now? Now, if your pot-addled cerebellum can handle it, follow this chain of logic. Then, if you have not, as you so richly deserve, been hauled off to a dark room and waterboarded not for being a terrorist but for having an overdeveloped sense of self-importance, how is it you are still here? I’ll tell you, and it’s not a great secret. Assuming for a moment that the Big Evil Capitalist Banking Conspiracy exists in the form you believe it does, I would hazard the guess that they like seeing you and your kind marching in the streets. In much the same way that the leadership of your Democrats have secretly enjoyed the rise of the Tea Party, it is much easier to build sympathy if your opponents are a pack of dangerous lunatics. If the people opposing you are clearly insane and/or behaving irrationally, they in turn are looked upon much less favorably in the eyes of the general public. It doesn’t get more irrational than marching up and down Wall Street with a sign that claims bankers have weapons of mass destruction (And really, why don’t you get some new material? Mining the Bush years is getting a bit old by now.). Assuming that you actually have an agenda (and there hasn’t been an actual agenda expressed in this beyond "The System is Evil and keeping us down!"), you have done more damage to your cause by disrupting people’s lives and behaving like a troop of ill-behaved baboons than anything the Evil Bankers have done to you.

So, until you actually decide to vote, run for office, or otherwise do something to actually change things, go back to 4chan and leave the rest of us the hell alone. You’re not Anonymous. You’re just Annoying.

About Jimmy the Squid

Jimmy the Squid is a mystery to even those who work at the Buffet. While he claims to be a simple disembodied tentacle, the truth is that only Gavin McLeod knows what lurks at the bottom of the Chef's soup pot (and Gavin isn't talking). Some claim that he is really an unknown horror from beyond space and time, laying in wait until the stars come right and his kind again rule the Earth. Others say he's just a piece of calamari gone bad. I miss Jimmy the Squid.Like most creatures with minimal brain function, Jimmy's interests include talk radio and CNN. He occasionally posts his ramblings here on Chainsaw Buffet, spreading wisdom and harebrained theories alike. Professing the inferiority of the barely-evolved hominids who are the dominant species on this planet, Jimmy is an outspoken proponent for the rights of Cephalopod-Americans, often organizing protests against the serving of calamari. No one really knows why Jimmy hasn't been served up for dinner by now. It's entirely possible that he holds some secrets to blackmail the Chef with.