or
Confessions of a Klown
or
What’s in the Soup?
There hasn’t really been enough time for my audience to wonder just how much of the “Chef” persona is real and how much of it is put on to make Chainsaw Buffet more entertaining. Despite that, I thought it might make an interesting topic to talk about, especially when this series is just starting out and you the reader might still have some hope of finding out the “real” Chef’s deep, dark secrets. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but my dark secrets aren’t secret at all.
So, how much of the Chef is real, anyway? Well, if the truth be told (and I do always tell the truth – unless I’m lying), I don’t really have the Chef’s obsession with porn. I do spend too much time online, but not with porn. The asides about it are meant to be amusing and to make some readers – like Chainsaw Buffet’s esteemed Maitre d’ – slightly uncomfortable. You’d think by now that he’d be immune to that kind of thing, given some of the disturbing things I say, but no.
Insulting the Maitre d’, however, is one habit I share with the fat slob living inside my head who calls himself the Chef. That’s one hobby I have in the real world that I can enjoy in the virtual one. The Maitre d’ also screams like a schoolgirl when shocked, which adds to the amusement.
I can sometimes feel the Chef inside my head (not to imply that I have multiple personalities and should be locked up in a bughouse – I mean, I probably should be locked up in a bughouse, but I don’t have more than one person inside my skull), begging to be let out. I think he’s what some people call the inner child, except instead of an inner child, I have an inner pornography-obsessed demonic clown. The Chef (who is yet another facade for that aspect of my personality I sometimes call Der Klown) will say anything – the more offensive the better – for a laugh, like suggesting that Steve Carrell is an avatar of the resurrected Hitler. This is why, in the middle of a serious discussion of homosexual characters in literature, there are jokes about Dumbledore doing the pooper polka. The Chef likes to throw the occasional donkey punch (metaphorically speaking) into things. It’s not me, in the sense that I’m not that way all of the time (there is a brief ten-minute window around midnight when I’m not doing something cruel or offensive), but it is a part of me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to explain to the Maitre d’ what a “donkey punch” is…
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
RSS Feed
Podcast
Twitter
Facebook
YouTube Videos