Well, the old Chef hasn’t actually run out of things to say yet, but the idea I had planned for today’s article fell through because of technical issues. I could go ahead and post it, but without pictures, it just wouldn’t be the same, and here at Chainsaw Buffet, we do try to provide quality mystery meat made from only the finest Vietnamese orphans. At any rate, the article scheduled for Friday hasn’t been written yet, so I’m going ahead and posting my “backup” article, which is an edited version of a rant I posted a few years ago. Fortunately, its sick humor has aged relatively well. Those of weak constitution and/or allergies to midgets may want to skip this one (of course, anyone with a weak constitution has probably already fled this site, and 90% of our users have a midget fetish, so we’re okay there).
It strikes me that there are things that we wonder about that maybe it’s best if we just never try to find out. Things like “how many college students can fit into a VW Beetle?” That’s one puzzler that was popular in the 60’s. Lots of folks tried to find the answer. All it really gets you is a busted-up Bug and a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. Well, that and painful humiliation when somebody shows you up by fitting a midget in the glove compartment to break your record.
There are just some things that Man Was Not Meant To Know. I write it like that because that’s the way I hear it in my head, with the capital letters. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to put in the cool echo sound effects that I hear in my head when I think it (but then, the Chef is known for his senility). But anyway, there’s plenty of stuff that we’re just better off not trying to find out. That doesn’t stop me from wondering, though.
Gene Simmons once said that, intellectually speaking, he wondered what human flesh would taste like. I have to admit, Megatongue does pose an interesting question, although I’m not likely to kill someone and barbecue them to get an answer. If I knew that human meat tasted good enough to be worth the jail time, I might try it. But I’m not going to jail over something that doesn’t taste that good.
I suppose that human wouldn’t really taste like anything special – meat is meat, after all. If I had to guess, I would say that humanity would taste something like pork, since pigs are omnivores like we are. That, or, more likely, like monkey, but since it’s hard to get monkey meat in this country, I haven’t tried that. Or maybe chimpanzee.
One thing to ask, of course, is who you’re eating. Most meat species are herbivores, since they tend to taste better. So ironically, vegetarians would probably be the best eating. You really probably wouldn’t want to eat someone like me, for example – too much fat and cholesterol. There’s irony in the fact that the ChefÃ¢â¬â¢s life of sloth and high-fat foods guards his health against cannibals. A word of warning here, guys – if your wife or girlfriend suggests you try an all-vegetarian diet, she might not be concerned about your health. She may well be just trying to fatten you up.
I wonder if anybody ever asked Jeffrey Dahmer about this. He seems to have preferred young boys; a sort of schoolboy veal, I suppose. If nothing else, it would probably be tender. While nobody in their right mind would really want to take recipe tips from a guy who considers eating out of the coffin to be a box lunch, if somebody’s going to do us the favor of dining on human flesh, by all means we should take advantage of it to answer some burning questions like this.
There’s another thing. People just don’t put their heart into killing anymore. Every so often, you hear about workplace shootings, but those are really getting clichÃÂ©d by now. Another shooting spree at work? If you’re going to go postal, at least do it with style.
For example, there was a news article a few years ago about a schizophrenic man working at a grocery store. Reportedly, he was a nice guy, aside from having entire conversations with himself (considering that the Chef has entire conversations with himself, this may not be the best sign for the rest of the Buffet staff). One day, the man abruptly quit, and the next came to work wearing a trench coat and carrying a katana. He killed three people before police shot him down. Apparently, he was a big fan of the Highlander movies (You know, Highlander, Highlander: The Final Dimension, and Highlander: Endgame. There is no such thing as Highlander 2.). That’s got be a humiliating way to die, lying in a pool of your own blood, with a schizophrenic guy standing over you, waving a sword and yelling, “There can be…only one!” Needless to say, this man was an original. If you’re going to go off the deep end, do it right.
Not that I plan on ever going postal at work, wielding a sword or otherwise. Eating human flesh, on the other hand….if anybody knows a reputable source, drop me a line. Some boiled baby would be delicious; quite a modest proposal, donÃ¢â¬â¢t you think? Especially with a nice Chianti. But, please, no fava beans. They give me gas.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go figure out how to fit a midget into the trunk of a VW…