January 25, 2008 – CLEARWATER, FL. (AP) The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, known for short as Roboreaganology, has filed suit against the heads of the Church of Scientology. The suit alleges the Church of Scientology has defrauded its believers through failure to admit that the church is in fact a moneymaking scheme.
“We believe firmly in honesty with one’s congregation,” said The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, said in a press release on Monday. “Like Scientology, we are out to make money. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s like L. Ron Hubbard said – the way to make a million dollars is to start your own religion. We’ve taken that to heart. Capitalism wants our believers to give freely to the church. Sadly, our brethren at the Church of Scientology have failed to disclose that underpinning of both our faiths to their adherents. That’s what this lawsuit is about.”
The Chef went on to note that during the Middle Ages, even the Catholic Church admitted to amassing money and temporal power in preparation for God’s coming.
“Historically, religion has been full of moneymaking schemes,” The Chef said. “We’re only the latest in a long line of religions started just to make a buck. Unlike Scientology, we freely admit that instead of trying to hide it through threats and intimidation. If anything, we feel that we at the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan are more true to L. Ron Hubbard’s vision than they are.”
The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan preaches a belief that one day the Lord Ronald Reagan will return to usher in a Golden Age of prosperity. Until that day, its believers prepare for His coming by donating money to be spent on constructing the beloved President a new, robotic body. Reagan’s preserved head is currently stored in a jar at Area 51.
When asked, The Chef also categorically denied that he had at any point spent church funds on buying a Porsche. “That’s a dirty lie and completely false,” he responded. “It was a Mercedes.”
While Scientology may boast celebrities such as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and John Travolta as prominent members, the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan also has its share of famous believers. Followers of Roboreaganology include Yakov Smirnoff, Wil Wheaton, and Pauly Shore.