January 28, 2008 – CLEARWATER, FL. (AP) Leaders and prominent members of the Church of Scientology spoke out today, decrying the lawsuit filed against their organization by the rival Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan. The suit alleges that the Church of Scientology has defrauded its members through failing to disclose the religion’s origins as a moneymaking scam. The Scientologist leaders said in a press conference that the claims made in the suit were completely false.
“At no point have we ever hidden the fact that L. Ron Hubbard made up everything he wrote,” David Miscavige, Chairman of the Board of Religious Technology Center, said. “L. Ron admitted everything right from the beginning – if you don’t believe me, just ask Harlan Ellison about those cocktail napkins he’s been holding for us.”
Miscavige went on to state that from the very beginning, Scientology has taken pride in its roots as a classic pyramid scheme. He noted that the church has always embraced capitalism and moneymaking ventures, citing his organization’s vigorous defense of its copyrights. Miscavige also pointed out that the Religious Technology Center is an incorporated business. “The Church of Roboreaganology claims to worship Capitalism, but they have yet to start a corporation like ours. I think it’s obvious which of us is a real religion and which is a moneymaking scheme.”
“All of the lies being spread by our enemies are a plot by Xenu to destroy the Church,” he continued. Immediately thereafter, half of the audience dropped dead upon hearing Xenu’s name.
“The stories being spread in this lawsuit by the suppressive persons at the so-called Church of Roboreaganology must be stopped,” Miscavige stated. “They’re fair game now.”