This is part two of a three-part series. Part one is available here.
After sampling terrible replicas of hot dogs and pizza made out of what were probably recycled car tires flavored with flat Code Red, we moved on to two treats supposedly of the marshmallow persuasion. Things did not improve.
Contrary to the packaging’s claims, these are neither fun nor fries, and I have serious doubts about their being American. Oh, wait. The packaging says “Made in China”, which means they’re also likely to contain lead. I’m also inclined to think that the “Fat Free” line is a lie, too. I mean, it’s marshmallows. “Fat free” doesn’t usually enter into things. “Free of human meat”, perhaps.
On opening the package, we discovered that the “fries” weren’t like ordinary marshmallows. They had the same kind of hard texture common to the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. Unfortunately, unlike Lucky Charms marshmallows (and really, why else would anyone eat that shit – not for the reshaped Alpha-Bits that make up the actual cereal), these didn’t dissolve instantly at the touch of saliva.
The only positive thing I can say is that the Mallow Fries are nowhere near as disgusting as their hamburger-shaped relative, the Mallow Burger. They have a sweet but stale taste that’s hard to describe.
The not-really-fries come with a packet of sour “Kandy Ketchup” (Note to marketing people: spelling things with a “k” does not automatically make it either cool or comical.) as a marketing gimmick. It’s a sticky red gel stuff that reminds me of expired sex lube. The sour not-really-strawberry flavor of the “ketchup” actually did a fair job offsetting the sugariness of the psuedo-fries.
The Maitre d’s perspective:
I should mention I generally hate marshmallow anything, and this was the same way. It was mostly tasteless, with just a hint of… some form of aftertaste. I don’t even want to hazard a description of it. The strawberry stuff made it by bearable by actually giving it a taste.
The Mallow so-called Burger, unlike the fake fries, was not stale-hard. Instead, it was spongy and slightly sticky, like month-old bundt cake. In fact, it was downright dense, like there were a million tons of marshmallow crammed into that tiny package.
Once again, the packaging extols its virtues: “Cholesterol Free!” “Sodium Free!” They make no mention of the sugar content, which is enough to put anyone without a mutant hyper-accelerated metabolism into a diabetic coma.
Despite its dense, spongy feel, the Mallow Burger tended to come apart easily. You have to give the makers credit for not simply molding the infernal foodstuff in a single piece, injecting colorings at the right stages. Instead, the two “buns”, the “cheese”, and the “meat” are separate pieces of mallow-junk. And to boot the meat-shaped marshmallow (I never though I would type that phrase, and it is one I hope to never type again) is made of a different stuff.
The pseudo-meat is firmer and less spongy than the others, with bits of gritty, sort of crunchy something-or-another that are either some kind of cookie crumbles or the residue of digested souls crapped by Bubba Ho-Tep. Even money on either of those. While the flavor of the other components was indistinct other than “too fucking sweet”, the center layer has a distinct hint of chocolate, specifically the same kind as those not-really-chocolate marshmallows in Count Chocula. And yes, I just referenced Bubba Ho-Tep and Count Chocula in the same paragraph. That either means I must be the biggest geek of all time, or I’m a fucking genius. Take your pick.
The Maitre d’ had this to say:
Again, I don’t know what “mallow” is but it shouldn’t be crunchy. Seriously, the “burger” tasted like a chocolate cookie. Chocolate and mallow are two flavors that should not be mixed.
It’s obvious from his comments that our esteemed Maitre d’ has never had chocolate-flavored Peeps (which are next to godliness) or rocky road ice cream. That said, the odd crunchy bits truly were disturbing and the flavor was so disgusting that I couldn’t even finish my fourth of the Mallow Burger. It ended up in the trash along with the rest of the leftovers from our little experiment.
Next Time: Gummy Cookies and More Gummy Pizza!