(AP) The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, announced Wednesday that the church, which recently won a lawsuit against the Church of Scientology for copyright infringement, would begin a new campaign of advertising and evangelism. The theme of this campaign is three simple words: “Offer Them Reagan”. With this new theme for evangelism, the church also chose the book Three Simple Rules For Living As Reagan (How To Have Firmer Buns in Thirty Days), by the renowned theologian Andy Dick, as a guide for meditation and study into the teachings of Ronald Reagan.
“You see, what the author has done is reinterpret the teachings of Roboreaganology in a way that makes it easier to introduce new customers- er, worshipers to the way Reagan wants us to live,” The Chef explained. “It doesn’t replace the Word of Reagan as revealed in our holy text, Reaganetics – available now for only $49.95! – but it boils some very complex spiritual stuff down to three rules the cretins can get their heads around. You’re not going to use that ‘cretin’ part, are you?”
The three “simple rules” quoted in the book are as follows:
“These are three very simple rules to memorize, but they’re difficult to truly understand,” The Chef stated. “True understanding, of course, requires our weekly seminars – for a modest fee, of course – and spiritual retreats, that sort of thing. All services the Church of Roboreaganology is glad to provide to believers.”
“We feel that today a start-up religion doesn’t have to be relevant to the modern world or even provide any meaningful answers,” The Chef continued, “Instead, all we have to do is put out some simple, easy-to-remember rules people can follow. Or if not follow, at least to spout anytime someone asks them what they believe – actually acting on beliefs is secondary to having snappy sound bites. It also keeps people from doing stupid things like weighing their beliefs against the real world – wouldn’t want that happening.”