Recently, this little gem showed up in the Chainsaw Buffet Collective’s (Resistance is futile.) inbox.
——– Original Message ——–
Subject: ORDER REQUEST
Date: Mon, 8 Dec 2008 11:18:33 -0800 (PST)
From: William M firstname.lastname@example.org
AM WILLIAM MORRISON,I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CARRY (CHAINSAW) FOR SALE,IF I HAVE NOT MENTION THE SIZE THAT YOU HAVE KINDLY TELL ME….ANY MODELS AND SIZES IS GOOD FOR ME…WHAT IS THE PRICE OF ONE (CHAINSAW) SO THAT I CAN PURCHASE.I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARD FOR THIS ORDER AS PAYMENT.
THANK YOU AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU WITH MY ORDER REQUEST.
I’m not sure exactly where to begin. The entire thing is simply breathtaking in its stupidity. First off, it’s obvious this is just some kind of a weirdass out-of-the-blue email to see if the address listed on the site is actually active. If you respond to tell the guy nicely that you don’t sell (insert name of product from a keyword taken out of context from your site here), or just to tell him to go fuck himself, you get your address put on his nice little list of people he knows actually check their email.
Even with that included, this is hands-down not only the dumbest email I have ever seen, but the dumbest piece of written correspondence not scrawled on a shithouse wall. I’m not sure which is worse: the all capital letters, or the parenthesis left around the keyword. Look, fuckhole, if you’re gonna write or more likely steal a script that randomly pulls a keyword from the page or site title, at least make sure you script it so that it doesn’t put marks around it and make it blazingly obvious that a spambot sent this instead of just some genuinely confused brain-dead idiot from the far side of the moon.
Then there’s the “HELLO C/S” part. What or who the deuce is “C/S”? Where the hell did his little magic spammy script get that from the site name or words on here? What the fuck would someone have to be on to create something like this? This reads like it was written by a borderline aspy. No, scratch that. This guy’s definitely on the other side of the border.
I’m tempted to email him back and tell him yes, we’ll accept his order, but only if he gives us his credit card first.
As a side note, I firmly believe that all spammers should be executed by being locked in a sealed room with flatulent weremonkeys. It’s the only death slow and painful yet amusing enough to be a truly fitting punishment for assclowns like this.