Today, the Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, announced the canonization of American folk hero Marvin Heemeyer. This move was seen as an attempt to rectify the Catholic church’s repeated refusals to declare Heemeyer a saint.
"On June 4, 2004," the Chef declared, "one noble man, Marvin Heemeyer, stood up to a faceless, soulless bureaucracy. Along the way, he taught us that you can’t fight City Hall – unless you have an armored bulldozer. We applaud his sacrifice in sticking it to The Man, and his will in fighting taxes. Praise Capitalism!"
"’Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things’, Marvin wrote," the Chef quoted from Heemeyer’s manifesto, which is being considered for inclusion in the next revision of Roboreaganology’s holy scripture, Reaganetics (now available, as the Chef was quick to point out, for $49.99). "We can do no less than to also be unreasonable when the time comes."
The High Exchequer declared Marvin Heemeyer to be the patron saint of "batshit craziness and using construction equipment in ways Capitalism never intended" . Heemeyer joins Gavin McLeod, Adam Baldwin, and Johnny Cash among the religion’s pantheon of saints.
Upon a question from an audience member about how McLeod and Baldwin can be declared saints while they are still living, the Chef replied, "We can fix that." He then picked up a shotgun, excused himself, and boarded a bus for California.