11. Alternators Optimus Prime (2006): Alternators (known as Binaltech in Japan, but I’m not going to get into the differences here) was the first serious attempt at a collector-oriented Transformers line in the U.S. It used vehicle modes licensed from auto manufacturers, done at 1:24th scale (to attract crossover buyers from the car collector demographic), complete with realistic interiors, opening hoods, and all that stuff. These replicas transformed into updated versions of Generation 1 characters. Prime, as seen here, turns into a Dodge Ram, which is probably the closest you can get to a semi within the Alternators theme of regular passenger cars and trucks. Prime is actually one of the weaker entries in the line, mainly because of the limitations of the pickup mode.
12. Big Convoy (1999): The Cybertron (Autobot/Maximal) leader in Beast Wars Neo, one of the Japanese-only series. Like Optimus Primal, Big Convoy is not the original Prime, but can be thought of as “aâ€? Prime (in the Japanese Beast Wars mythos, Convoy/Prime is a sort of rank of a leader, and there are several of them). His alternate mode is a woolly mammoth, which leads to all sorts of fun when you try to put him on a shelf anywhere near other toys. See, Big’s mammoth head, complete with tusks, splits into shoulderpads that are as wide as he is tall. In addition, he has a gun (the Big Cannon…apparently he doesn’t have much imagination, either) with his trunk hanging off of it, meaning he takes up much more space than he should. The gun is on the shelf, I think tucked in between Armada Prime’s feet.
13. Lio Convoy (1998): Remember how in the Japanese versions of Beast Wars there were several Convoys (Primes)? Here’s another one. Lio Convoy was the leader for Beast Wars II, which was basically a filler series with only a few new molds. Lio Convoy turns into a white lion, which should be obvious from the huge hunk of head hanging off of his shoulder. This toy is the king of action features, with gimmicks ranging from a spinning mane and spring-out claws to pop-open missile launchers.
14. Generation 2 Laser Optimus Prime (1995): The last version of Optimus Prime released before Hasbro shifted gears into Beast Wars, this is best known for its great trailer base. One of the few Primes that doesn’t combine with his trailer, Laser Prime makes up for it by shooting more plastic across the room than any toy since. His trailer base has a disc launcher, a big pneumatic-powered missile (you slam your fist down onto a bulb to launch it, a gimmick that was fairly common in the early and mid-90s), and a five-pack missile launcher, plus reloads for everything. The Chef could spend hours using this toy to make the Maitre d’ scream like a little girl (why he screams when plastic toy missiles hit him, I have no idea). In addition, the robot has lights (headlights in vehicle mode, and a red LED in the fist to make his sword or gun glow).
15. Beast Wars 10th Anniversary Optimus Primal (2006): Get ready for some irony. As part of their nefarious efforts to separate collectors from their money, Hasbro decided to release a limited series celebrating the 10th anniversary of Beast Wars. This series consisted of the original Beast Wars toys recolored and painted to match the versions seen on the CGI cartoon. Now, ironically enough, they wanted to release smaller versions of Optimus Primal and Megatron. Instead of doing the obvious and importing the Robot Masters versions, Hasbro went ahead and designed their own…which were deliberately not made to resemble the show models, thus betraying the entire point of the exercise. Primal here is definitely the weaker of the two, being saddled with a lame hoverboard accessory and poor arm positioning. On top of that, his ape mode is wearing a tiara, making him look like one of those fat bearded guys who go to conventions dressed as Sailor Moon.
16. Optimus Primal (Bat) (1995): Before the Beast Wars cartoon explicitly set that line in the future (or past, depending on how you look at it) and stated that its Optimus and Megatron were not the originals, the toy line seemed to be a continuation of Generation 2. This version of Primal (not used on the show due to the budget limitations of CGI) was part of a two-pack with Megatron as an alligator. Fortunately, the animators decided to go with the larger (and much cooler) gorilla version.
17. Fast Action Battler Optimus Prime (2007): Fast Action Battlers is a sort of sub-line that seems to aimed at younger kids, with chunky-looking vehicle modes, simplistic transformations, and gimmicky action features. Prime fails in that respect, because his transformation is very fiddly and he doesn’t hold together in truck mode. It’s still a pretty nice-looking scaled-down version of the movie Prime.
18. Classics Ultimate Battle Optimus Prime (2006): Although released under the Classics banner, this version of Prime was originally designed for the defunct Universe line. A sort of scaled-down version of 20th Anniversary Prime, it was packaged with a sort of Generation 2-inspired tank-mode Megatron. Sadly, while his robot mode looks good, he’s dragged down by a really bad vehicle mode and a lame spinning-punch gimmick (push a lever on his back, and his torso spins like a propeller).
19. Titanium War Within Optimus Prime (2006): Oh, lord, don’t get me started about the Titanium series. Granted, the small mini-figures look fine, but the larger transforming ones are just sad. Prime is actually not one of the worst of them, but that’s sort of like saying that he’s the least smelly pile of feces in the sewage-treatment plant. The gimmick of the Titanium line is that the figures use chunks of die-cast metal (ironically, it’s a zinc composite, not actually titanium), which serve no purpose other than to remind us of just why die-cast metal was abandoned after the 80s. The figure’s joints aren’t designed to hold up under the weight of his limbs, so he flops around a lot. The only redeeming factor is that this is the only transforming version of Prime’s body from the War Within comic series we’ll ever get (which isn’t saying a lot). Dreamwave‘s The War Within series was set on Cybertron before the two factions came to Earth, and featured the original characters in their pre-Earth forms. Prime here turns into a sort of hot-rodded out futuristic semi tractor.
20. Armada Optimus Prime (Deluxe) (2002): Much better than the larger Armada Prime, this figure lacks the trailer and its limitations. Of course, he can’t transform to the super mode, but that’s no great loss. Instead, he can actually move and has a Minicon partner that turns into his gun. He also has a “punchingâ€? gimmick that makes him look like he’s having a seizure (or, if you’re feeling charitable and pose him right, it looks like he’s firing his forearm guns and recoiling).
21. Classics Optimus Prime (2006): Yes, another version of Prime from Classics, but this one doesn’t suck. The “realâ€? Classics Prime doesn’t try to slavishly follow the original design, and looks much more dynamic. He also has an interesting take on the usual Prime-style transformation scheme.
22. Energon Powerlinx Optimus Prime (2004): The usual scheme in most Transformer lines these days is that we get two versions of Optimus Prime: the big super-sized version, and a smaller one for the kids with mean and cheap parents. This one…well, it’s smaller, but wasn’t really any cheaper, since the only way to get it here in the U.S was in a two-pack with a similarly scaled-down Megatron. At any rate, this version of Energon Prime doesn’t merge with the drone limbs, and instead can combine with most of the other Autobots from the line (Energon‘s primary gimmick was that most of the Autobots could do a top-bottom combination thing, with one forming the arms and the other forming the legs).
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
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